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    ****  AN ACCOUNT OF THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD  ****

This is a quote from {\it VERBATIM --- SPRING '87}
 
\noindent{The World According to Student Bloopers}
 
by
 
\noindent{Richard Lederer, St. Paul's School}
 
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay.  I have
pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably
genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United
States, from eighth grade through college level.  Read carefully, and
you will learn a  lot.
            


The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies.  They lived in the
Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot.  The climate of the Sarah is such
that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the
dessert are cultivated by irritation.  The Egyptians built the Pyramids in
the shape of a huge triangular cube.  The Pyramids are a range of mountains
between France and Spain.
 
The Bible is full if interesting caricatures.  In the first book of the
Bible, Guinnesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.  One of
their children, Cain, once asked ``Am I my brother's son?"  God asked
Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma.  Jacob, son of Isaac, stole
his brother's birth mark.  Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve
sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it.  One of Jacob's sons,
Joseph, gave refuse to the Isrealites.
 
Pharoah forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.   Moses led
them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
without any ingredients.   Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to
get the ten commandments.   David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the
liar.   He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in
Biblical times.  Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500
procupines.
 
Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history.  The Greeks invented three
kinds of columns---Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic.  They also had myths.  A
myth is a female moth.  One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped in
the River Stynx until he became intollerable.  Achilles appears in the
{\it Iliad}, by Homer.   Homer also wrote {\it The Oddity}, in which
Penelope was the last `hardship' that Ulysses endured on his journey.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
 
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him.   Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
 
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
threw the java.  The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.  The
government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their
own hands.  There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high
that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing.  When
they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the
Persians had more men.
 
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks.  History calls people Romans
because they never stayed in one place for very long.  At Roman banquets,
the guests wore garlics in their hair.  Julius Caesar extinguished himself
on the battlefields of Gaul.  The Ides of March murdered him because they
thought he was going to be made king.  Nero was a cruel tyrrany who would
torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
 
Then came the Middle Ages.  King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur
lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the
Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims
of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks.  Finally, Magna Carta
provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
 
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate.  The greatest writer
of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote
literature.  Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through
an apple while standindg on his son's head.
 
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being.  Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at
Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences.   He died a horrible death, being
excommunicated by a bull.  It was the painter Donatello's interest in the
female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.  It was an age of
great inventions and discoveries.  Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir
Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes.
Another important invention was the circulation of blood.  Sir Francis
Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
 
The government of England was a limited mockcry.  Henry VIII found walking
difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.  Queen Elizabeth was the
``Virgin Queen."  As a queen she was a success.  When Elizabeteh exposed
herself before her troops, they all shouted, ``hurrah."  Then her navy went
out an defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
 
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.  Shakespear
never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.  He lived at
Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors.  In
one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by
relieving himself in a long soliloquy.  In another, Lady Macbeth tries to
convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood.  Romeo and
Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.  Writing at the same time as
Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes.  He wrote {\it Donkey Hote}.  The next
great author was John Milton.  Milton wrote {\it Paradise Lost}.  Then his
wife died and he wrote {\it Paradise Regained}.
 
During the Renaissance America began.  Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.  His
ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.  Later, the
Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress.  When
they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came
down the hill rolling their war hoops before them.  The Indian squabs
carried porpoises on their back.   Many of the Indian heroes were killed,
along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them.   The winter of
1620 was a hard one for the settlers.  Many people died and many babies
were born.  Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
 
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in
their tea.  Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post
without stamps.  During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing
balls over stone walls.  The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing.
Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
 
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence.  Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his
clothes in his pocket and  a loaf of bread under each arm.  He invented
electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, ``A horse divided
against itself cannot stand."  Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
 
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father
of Our Country.  Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to
secure domestic hostility.  Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the
right to keep bare arms.
 
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.  Lincoln's mother died
in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands.  When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat.  He said,
``In onion there is strength."  Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg
Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an
envelope.  He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship.
But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other
innocent victims.  It claimed it represented law and odor.  On the night of
April 14, 1865, Lincoln went ot he theater and got shot in his seat by one
of the actors in a moving picture show.  The believed assinator was John
Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.  This ruined Booth's career.
 
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.  Voltare
invented electricity and also wrote a book called {\it Candy}.  Gravity was
invented by Isaac Walton.  It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the
apples are falling off the trees.
 
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.   Handel
was half German, half Italian, and half English.  He was very large.   Bach
died from 1750 to the present.  Beethover wrote music even though he was
deaf.   He was so deaf he wrote loud music.  He took long walks in the
forest even when everyone was calling for him.  Beethoven expired in 1827
and later died for this.
 
France was in a very serious state.  The French Revolution was accomplished
before it happened.   The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French
Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon.  During the Napoleonic Wars,
the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes.  Then the
Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks.
Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and
unrestrained.  He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine
was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.
 
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in
the East and the sun sets in the West.  Queen Victoria was the longest queen.
She sat on a thorn for 63 years.  Her reclining years and finally the end
of her life were exemplatory of a great personality.  Her death was the
final event which ended her reign.
 
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.
The invention of the steamboat coaused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a
hundred men.   Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy.  Louis Pasteur
discovered a cure for rabbis.  Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote
the {\it Organ of the Species}.  Madman Curie discovered radium.  And Karl
Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
 
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf,
ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
 
 
\centerline{\bf   I   ABSOLUTELY  LOVE THIS!!}
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