[Apologies to all you Feminists out there... please do not read this! I'm told there is a male version somewhere, but I don't have it.] FEMALE ANALYSIS Women--Chemical Analysis Element: Women Symbol: +O Discovered by: ADAM Atomic Weight: Average expected as 118, but there are known isotopes ranging from 100 to 160, with highly radioactive occurrences at 250 and better (avoid at all costs). Occurrence: Surplus quantities in all urban areas. (except the general location referred to as ICL Bracknell) Chemical Properties: 1. Possesses great affinity for Gold(Au), silver(Ag), platinum(Pt), and precious and semi-precious stones and minerals. 2. Capable of absorbing great quantities of expensive substances. 3. May explode spontaneously if left alone with male. 4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased with saturation in ethanol (alcohol). 5. Yields to pressure if applied to correct points. Mental Properties: 1. Difficult to ascertain due to the nature of the thought process that the specimen follows. a) Revamped testing procedures are under study, but projected realizations of test availability dates constantly slip. Physical Properties: 1. Surface very smooth and soft, with many interesting irregularities, usually selectively covered in painted films. a) Avoid those that apply different colored films to each fingernail. b) Some specimens will exhibit a tendency towards thick applications of films resulting in eyes that look like they are bulging out of their heads. Beware this variety as they may be prone to cracking resulting in a realization of what you see ain't what you get or lead poisoning. 2. Boils at nothing and freezes without reason. 3. Melts if given proper treatment. 4. Bitter if used incorrectly. 5. Found in various states in nature, ranging from virgin metal to common ore. 6. Selective specimens have pleasant aroma. 7. Warm to hold. Capable of warming other objects it is held close to (at times causing overheating). Uses: 1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. 2. Most powerful reducing agent of money known. 3. Can aid in relaxation. 4. Some versions capable of brightening the day. 5. Can be used to stimulate the heart muscle of a male for whatever reason. a) Use with CAUTION. Positive and Negative results have been obtained for given stimuli depending on version. 6. Some instrumental for starting GLOBAL WARFARE. 7. Making dinner reservations. 8. Excellent memories for tasks that males generally forget. 9. With a minimum of flattery it is possible to get versions to perform trivial tasks. Tests: 1. Pure specimens turn rosy if discovered in natural state. 2. Turns bright green if placed beside better specimen. 3. Become coy when confronted with truth. Caution: 1. Highly dangerous in inexperienced hands. 2. Illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, in spite of the fact thatspecimens can and do obtain possession of more than one of the male gender and lie about it. 3. Terrible drivers. 4. Carry ear plugs to prevent ear damage due to spontaneous outbursts. 5. Known for rendering telephones into melted slag. 6. Affinity for rolling pins. 7. Generally obtain lawyers for divorce settlements, that can expand on the idea "weaker sex".