>----T-R-A-V-E-L-S-P-E-A-K----->
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				  YOUR HOTEL
			       Luxury - Expensive.
			    Exclusive - Expensive and smaller.
			       Deluxe - Extremely Expensive and huge.
			       Unique - Something wrong with it.
			      Elegant - Fifty years old.
			   Up to date - Twenty years old.
			       Modern - Unfinished.
		      Excellent Value - Cheaper than the previous hotel.
		      Medium category - A dump.
			     Charming - Run down.
			  Picturesque - Falling down.
			 Rustic charm - Run down and vine covered.
			   Delightful - Odd.
		   Ideal for families - Already a mess.
	       Completely refurbished - The area is prone to natural disasters.
			 Studio style - Cramped.
		 Self catering option - You can be poisoned by them or by your
					 own hand.
	 For discerning holidaymakers - For moneyed yobbos.
	 Very friendly personally run - They can't afford staff and call you by
					 your first name.
	 A favourite with the British - It's cheap.
   Extremely popular with the British - It's cheap and sells brown ale.

				 YOUR RESORT
			       Exotic - Palm trees and the locals are black.
		      Unsophisticated - Water rationing and frequent power
					 cuts.
			  Outstanding - Everones last resort.
			    Unspoiled - Unspoiled except for your hotel.
		      Friendly locals - Smiling muggers.
			      Vibrant - The booze is cheap.
		     Deserted beaches - Sharks!
		 Idyllic and unspoilt - Dead quiet because it's inaccessible.
	    Fantastic marine paradise - Beach.
		    Vibrant nightlife - Loads of drunks.
  A few minutes stroll from the hotel - Take a packed lunch and a compass.
		     Away from it all - Developer's error of judgement.

				  AMENITIES
	    Every facility imaginable - Deck chairs.
	  Flourishing tropical garden - Jungle.
		     Free watersports - A beach is nearby.
		Babysitting available - Kids scream all night.
				Radio - There's no TV.
		 Dancing by moonlight - There's no roof.
		   Horseriding nearby - You need a horse to get there.
		       Childrens pool - Noisy vichyssoise.
			Swimming pool - Communal bath.
		 Your own small beach - Your own small sewage outlet.
		      Weekly barbeque - Burn your own dinner on the staffs
					 night off.
			   Games room - Half a pack of cards.
			 Table tennis - Half a table and a net. No balls, no
					 bats.
			    Badminton - A court. No net no bats no shuttlecock.
			 Tennis court - Built over by a new hotel wing.
		An optional excursion - Escape.
		 No single supplement - They're empty.

				  AMBIENCE
	A complimentary welcome drink - A polystyrene container of sweet pink
					 sticky soup with a well used umbrella.
  Hello from your tour representative - Goodbye.
			Smiling hosts - Panicking maniacs.
			Helpful staff - Surly bastards.
     Warm friendly faces to greet you - Local idiots.
	    Warmly relaxed atmosphere - The staff drink.
		  Carefree atmosphere - No one gives a damn about you.
		       Superior rooms - Not for the likes of you.
		  Basic accommodation - A broom cupboard.
		      Simple yet cosy - They took the broom out, but left the
					 dust in.
		Old fashioned comfort - Untouched since the Franco - Prussian
					 war.
	       Wellappointed bedrooms - Light shades, beds, and wire
					 coathangers.
		     Simply furnished - Beds and wire coathangers.
			     Informal - Wire coathangers.
    Most of the rooms have a sea view - Yours won't.
		 No tipping necessary - The staff share out your valuables.

			    YOUR HOTEL RESTAURANT
			 Gormet meals - Something marinated in your
					 complimentary welcome drink.
		      Typical cuisine - Heavily desguised leftovers.
		   Local specialities - Some animal has died recently in the
					 vicinity.
		 Generous hospitality - Seconds of the above.
		   Tropical breakfast - Canned pineapple.
		   Seafood delicacies - Tinned prawns.
	   The food is good and cheap - If you want to eat and run.
		 Free wine with lunch - One glass of vinegar which has been
					 costed into the package price.
	       Relaxed informal decor - Plastic tablecloths.
Refined blend of efficiency and charm - Dirty new cutlery.
		    Traditional charm - Wobbly furniture legs.
		Fun filled atmosphere - Full of drunks.

			     YOUR ENTERTAINMENT
		       Cultural shows - Bare feet and running sweat.
			     Folklore - The unemployed do their thing.
		       Local cabarets - A mixture of the above with added
					 shoes.
			    Live band - A robber band.
		  Traditional Dancing - Fancy dress running sweat with added
					 noise/fire/spears/shoes.
				Disco - A mixture of the above with added
					 noise.
	       International artistes - They once went somewhere by plane.
	   An unforgettable night out - For once the brochures tell the truth.