>----T-R-A-V-E-L-S-P-E-A-K-----> / YOUR HOTEL Luxury - Expensive. Exclusive - Expensive and smaller. Deluxe - Extremely Expensive and huge. Unique - Something wrong with it. Elegant - Fifty years old. Up to date - Twenty years old. Modern - Unfinished. Excellent Value - Cheaper than the previous hotel. Medium category - A dump. Charming - Run down. Picturesque - Falling down. Rustic charm - Run down and vine covered. Delightful - Odd. Ideal for families - Already a mess. Completely refurbished - The area is prone to natural disasters. Studio style - Cramped. Self catering option - You can be poisoned by them or by your own hand. For discerning holidaymakers - For moneyed yobbos. Very friendly personally run - They can't afford staff and call you by your first name. A favourite with the British - It's cheap. Extremely popular with the British - It's cheap and sells brown ale. YOUR RESORT Exotic - Palm trees and the locals are black. Unsophisticated - Water rationing and frequent power cuts. Outstanding - Everones last resort. Unspoiled - Unspoiled except for your hotel. Friendly locals - Smiling muggers. Vibrant - The booze is cheap. Deserted beaches - Sharks! Idyllic and unspoilt - Dead quiet because it's inaccessible. Fantastic marine paradise - Beach. Vibrant nightlife - Loads of drunks. A few minutes stroll from the hotel - Take a packed lunch and a compass. Away from it all - Developer's error of judgement. AMENITIES Every facility imaginable - Deck chairs. Flourishing tropical garden - Jungle. Free watersports - A beach is nearby. Babysitting available - Kids scream all night. Radio - There's no TV. Dancing by moonlight - There's no roof. Horseriding nearby - You need a horse to get there. Childrens pool - Noisy vichyssoise. Swimming pool - Communal bath. Your own small beach - Your own small sewage outlet. Weekly barbeque - Burn your own dinner on the staffs night off. Games room - Half a pack of cards. Table tennis - Half a table and a net. No balls, no bats. Badminton - A court. No net no bats no shuttlecock. Tennis court - Built over by a new hotel wing. An optional excursion - Escape. No single supplement - They're empty. AMBIENCE A complimentary welcome drink - A polystyrene container of sweet pink sticky soup with a well used umbrella. Hello from your tour representative - Goodbye. Smiling hosts - Panicking maniacs. Helpful staff - Surly bastards. Warm friendly faces to greet you - Local idiots. Warmly relaxed atmosphere - The staff drink. Carefree atmosphere - No one gives a damn about you. Superior rooms - Not for the likes of you. Basic accommodation - A broom cupboard. Simple yet cosy - They took the broom out, but left the dust in. Old fashioned comfort - Untouched since the Franco - Prussian war. Wellappointed bedrooms - Light shades, beds, and wire coathangers. Simply furnished - Beds and wire coathangers. Informal - Wire coathangers. Most of the rooms have a sea view - Yours won't. No tipping necessary - The staff share out your valuables. YOUR HOTEL RESTAURANT Gormet meals - Something marinated in your complimentary welcome drink. Typical cuisine - Heavily desguised leftovers. Local specialities - Some animal has died recently in the vicinity. Generous hospitality - Seconds of the above. Tropical breakfast - Canned pineapple. Seafood delicacies - Tinned prawns. The food is good and cheap - If you want to eat and run. Free wine with lunch - One glass of vinegar which has been costed into the package price. Relaxed informal decor - Plastic tablecloths. Refined blend of efficiency and charm - Dirty new cutlery. Traditional charm - Wobbly furniture legs. Fun filled atmosphere - Full of drunks. YOUR ENTERTAINMENT Cultural shows - Bare feet and running sweat. Folklore - The unemployed do their thing. Local cabarets - A mixture of the above with added shoes. Live band - A robber band. Traditional Dancing - Fancy dress running sweat with added noise/fire/spears/shoes. Disco - A mixture of the above with added noise. International artistes - They once went somewhere by plane. An unforgettable night out - For once the brochures tell the truth.