Snow White and the 7 Dwarves

Once apon a time there lived a princess who was called Snow White because she was as pure as the driven snow. She lived with her step-mother, the Queen, in the royal palace. But her step-mother was a vain woman and would often ask of her mirror, "Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the farest of them all?" And the mirror would always reply "You my Queen," because basically it hadn't been around.

One day the mirror caught a glimpse of Snow White and fell deeply in love with her in a way only mirrors can. (Well, when you are a mirror, all you can do is stare at her.) And when the Queen next asked the mirror "...who is the fairest of them all?" it replied "Wow, like Snow White is(sigh!)."

In her rage, instead of chucking out the useless old mirror (which was cracked anyway) she sent her head axeman to decapitate Snow White. He chased her through the woods until he saw a bus going the other way and chased after that, chopper in hand.

Snow White was lost and alone in the woods. After ages of wandering around she came across a small cottage in a clearing. She knocked. No answer. She bent down and entered the small door. "Anyone living here must be very small," she thought disappointedly.

She was tired and so put 3 of the small beds together sideways and went to sleep.


Through the woods walked the occupants of the house: 7 dwarves who worked hard all day for Leiths Good Food Ltd. They came home to find Snow White spread-eagled on their beds.

"Wow, it's like the most beautiful girl in the world," exclaimed the longhaired Hippy.

"Well boys, looks like our lucky day," grinned the skinny Cheezy. "She's a bit big isn't she? I prefere thema bit smaller and younger," put in the moustached Davely.

"Beggars can't be choosers," argued the aptly named Scruffy. "I can't do any thing like that; I'm promised to Sexy," pointed out Dopey. (Sexy was the midget of his dreams. (N.B. midgets are 1/3 the size of dwarves.) He had admired her from afar for some time but had only just plucked up enough courage to anonimously send her 24 red toadstalls and a box of eggs.)

"Well I can" explained the almost sperical Fatty. "But she's so beautiful," sighed Hippy. "She's a dog!!" barked Scruffy.
"But you were talking about having her too!" said Fatty. "Well as I said, Begg..."
"Is that a woman?" The sound of 6 Dwarves shouting "OH FOR GOD'S SAKE, WAKE UP MOOSEY!" only succeeded in waking Miss White.


At first she was scared, but when she saw they were only cute little dwarves. "Hello, I'm Snow White, who are you?" "Fatty, Ma'am."
"Davely, dear."
"Cheezy."
"Got any spare pennies for a poor dwarf?...Names Scruffy miss." "Hippy."
"Dopey."
"...er...Moosey."
She told them her story, "...so I was wondering if I could stay with you for a little while. In return I'll do things like cooking, washing, cleaning..."

"Now she's talking," smiled Cheezy.


And so it came to pass that Snow White moved in with the 7 dwarves. The sleeping arrangements were a source of much debate amongst the dwarves but Snow White decided it would be best if she had her own bed. And so the dwarves made her one before tea.

It all worked very well; while the dwarves were out all day making Sausage rolls, Snow White was home cleaning, washing, tidying, watching Neighbours, preparing the Evening meal and reading Cosmopoliton. Unfortunately one of the lands more sensational newspapers discovered the where-abouts of the princess and published a front-page story headed "Sexy Snowy in Seven dwarf Love Nest." The Queen was furious and called for her head axeman's head, but if she had read the article near the bottom on page 2 "Head axeman and underaged Midget in love nest," she would have realised why he could not be found. (Fortunately Dopey didn't buy that paper.) The Queen decided if Snow White was to be dealt with - she would have to do it herself.


The following fateful day, when the dwarves were at work the Queen, disguised as an old lady, came to their house. She knocked on the door. It opened and Snow White appeared.

"Who wants to buy a banana from a poor old woman?" she asked in a voice that would have won Scruffy's heart.

"Ooh, I'd love one," cooed Snow White. "Only 5 pence to you dear"
"Ooh, here y'are." The old woman handed her the fruit that she had laced with raw eggs that morning. Snow White peeled it and gulped it down whole. She just had time to say "Mmmmmmmmm" beforeshe dropped down dead.

[ Now the cynics amongst you may be asking "How come she didn't recognise her own step-mother?" Well all I can say is a) She was very well disguised and b) F**k off - it's only a fairy tale]


When the 7 dwarves came home that evening they were naturally horrified. "Who's going to cook my tea now then?" demanded Cheezey. "Oh no! She's gone. But she was so beautiful" whaled Hippy. "We must do something so we can remember her" commanded Fatty. "We could eat 'er, there's plenty of meat to go round; a real feast to remember," suggested Scruffy.

"No!!!" cried a horrified Hippy.
"No, we must preserve her beauty," said Fatty. "We could eat her body and mount her head on the wall like they do to mooses" suggested Scruffy.

"Hmmmmmnmrmnmn," Scowled Moosey.
"No, we mustn't, all of her is beautiful," said Hippy. "I know," piped up Davely, "we'll get her embalmbed - it'll be better than my old inflatable doll."

"No, what we will do is place her in a glass coffin and place it on the side of the road on our way to work so we can see her at least twice a day" said Fatty with an air of authority.

"But she'll go off and go all smelly," Cheezy pointed out. "Not if we evacuate it," said Fatty Smuggly. "But we haven't got a vacuum pump" said Dopey. "Well, I know this girl..." finalised Davely. And so that's what they did.


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Pete Bevin, pete@petebevin.com