THE STAG NIGHT SONG

Submitted by Lou <MOGGYCAT@aol.com>. Thanks!

(Sung to Glory, Glory, Hallelujah [Battle Hymn of the Republic])

My eyes have seen the glory
of the coming of the whore,
Who'd fucked her way around the globe,
but had never cum before,
She'd fuck and suck most anything
and she had a running sore,
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.

*Glory, glory, give it to her,
 Glory, glory, give it to her,
 Glory, glory, give it to her,
 But she ain't gonna fuck no more!

That whore had gone around the world,
in and out of every bed,
But though she tried with all her might,
her cunt felt almost dead,
And with all the fucking that she'd done,
she had never cum, she said.
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.

She'd never reached a climax though
she'd fucked from pole to pole,
She'd lost count of the horny sods
who had shoved it in her hole,
She once fucked an entire football team,
but they never scored a goal.
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.

She'd been fucked by every man,
whose cock was hard and rigid,
She'd had the long and short of them,
fucked giants, dwarves and midgets,
Even though she'd never cum,
she claimed she wasn't frigid.
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.

She'd been fucked by presidents,
princes, sheiks and lords,
She'd gone in search of orgasms,
but all she got was warts,
She'd been fucked by royalty,
and by the common horde,
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.

Her cunt was always ready, she was
just like Eskimo Nell,
And Dead-eye Dick had fucked her
but he couldn't ring her bell,
She'd fucked an Ayatollah and
she'd fucked the Pope as well.
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.

She'd fucked her way round Texas,
but it only made her weep,
The Aussie guys they fucked her
as a change from shagging sheep,
She told some missionaries their
position they could keep.
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.

She almost quit then in despair,
but then she had a flash,
She said "I've tried most everything,
but not a stag night bash!
And all those jerks are so pissed up,
they'll never see the rash."
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.

She'd fucked a famous porn star
with a twenty-four inch knob,
He couldn't make her cum though he
got worn down to a stub,
Then she heard there was stag night bash
in a seedy English pub.
But she ain't gonna cum no more.

And so one steamy Monday night,
she found the Dog and Duck,
She saw by crazed looks in their eyes
that she would have some luck,
So she strolled into the circle
and challenged anyone to fuck,
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.

The Best Man he was in control
and so he stepped up first,
But sadly he had drunk too much
and over-quenched his thirst,
When he pulled his flaccid penis out,
she laughed like she would burst,
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.

The Ushers then they took their turn,
they stepped up one by one,
But with each prick she gave a sigh
for still she hadn't cum.
She said "You're no good at fucking,
you'd better go and run."
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.

The groom's best mates both tried their hands
but couldn't do a thing,
One was so tired from dancing,
that all he could do was sing,
The other tried a short cut,
got his prick lost in her ring,
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.

The groom's father then volunteered
to shag her hard and quick,
He was renowned among the crowd,
his prick was long and thick,
But for all the good it did her,
it could have been a dried up stick
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.

The bride's father stepped into the fray
and tried to fill the breach,
But when he put it up inside
she said it wouldn't reach,
So she grabbed the Bridegroom forward
and sucked him like a leech,
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.

The registrar stepped up and cried,
"The pen is mightier than the sword."
But when he jumped upon her
she just lay there looking bored.
She said, "You're really nothing
when you've whored like I have whored"
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.

The organist stepped forward and
the guys let out a cheer,
They said if he could make her cum,
they'd all buy him a beer,
He fucked her up the arsehole,
and said "Sorry chaps, I'm queer."
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.

Then the verger tried his luck,
he fucked her with his fists,
One up the cunt, one up the arse,
she barely gave a twitch,
He tried so hard to make her cum
that he broke both his wrists.
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.

The altar-boy was just sixteen,
his voice had hardly broke,
And when he dropped his trousers,
she called his prick a joke,
So he used an altar candlestick,
and gave that whore a poke.
But she ain't gonna come no more.

The vicar then he said a prayer
and called upon the gods,
The only way to make her cum
was with his divine rod,
But even with celestial help,
he was like the other sods,
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.

All in that tavern took their turns,
the Germans and Frogs,
The Aussies, Yanks and Pommies,
The Japs and Chinks and Wogs,
The Dutchmen were the first in line
to shed their pants and clogs,
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.

When they all had finished then she
shouted round the room,
"I've fucked all the wedding party
but I haven't fucked the groom,
He's gonna need some practice before
he goes on honeymoon."
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.

When the groom had fucked her she said
"There's something I must tell,
I've laid here in the circle
and watched all your pricks swell,
But for all the good you've done for me,
you can all go straight to hell."
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.

They each had tried her one by one
as she lay upon the grass,
They'd jammed it up her cunt and mouth
and some had tried her ass,
The one thing that they hadn't tried,
was to fuck her all en masse,
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.

What alone they didn't do,
they accomplished it in sum,
With three pricks between each finger
and eighteen up her bum,
And sixteen each in cunt and mouth,
she said "I think I've cum!"
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.

By then they'd got into their stride,
and weren't about to stop,
Encouraged by her writhing then
a few more climbed on top,
They swore they'd keep on fucking her
'til she had copped the lot.
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.

The city bells began to peal,
her body began to shake,
Exploding rockets lit the sky,
the earth began to quake,
That one almighty orgasm
was all that she could take
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.

And when they climbed down off her
and they looked upon the ground,
Nothing of her could be seen,
though they looked all around,
Said she was a damn good fuck,
but nothing of her could be found,
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.

She'd fucked her way around the world,
and never cum, she'd said,
But with all the fucking that we'd done,
she must have cum, we said.
And at the stag night party she'd
cum so hard she was dead,
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.

That fucking whore she had last laugh
we went all down with clap,
Syphilis and gonorrhea
made all our pricks turn black,
Thrush, chlamydia, herpes and
bugs in the urinary tract.
And we ain't gonna fuck no more.

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Pete Bevin, pete@petebevin.com