UNIVERSITY COMPUTER STAFF

System Manager:   Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
                  Is more powerful than a locomotive.
                  Is faster than a speeding bullet.
                  Walks on water.

Head of Faculty:  Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
                  Is more powerful than a shunting engine.
                  Is faster than a speeding bullet.
                  Walks on water if sea is calm.

Senior Tutor:     Leaps short buildings with a running start and a
                  favorable wind.
                  Is almost as powerful as a shunting engine.
                  Is just as fast a speeding bullet.
                  Walks on water, if in an indoor swimming pool.

Lecturer:         Barely clears a prefabricated hut.
                  Loses tug of war with locomotive.
                  Can fire a speeding bullet.
                  Swims well.

Personal Tutor:   Makes high marks on wall when trying to clear tall buildings.
                  Is run over by locomotive.
                  Can sometimes handle a gun without injuring himself.
                  Dog paddles.

User Services:    Runs into buildings.
                  Recognises locomotive two times out of three.
                  Is not issued ammunition.
                  Can stay afloat in a life jacket.
 
Research Student: Falls over doorstep when trying to enter building.
                  Says "Look at the choo-choo!".
                  Wets himself with a water pistol.
                  Plays in mud puddles.
 
Undergraduate:    Lifts buildings and walks under them.
                  Kicks locomotives of their tracks.
                  Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them.
                  Freezes water with a single glance.