By way of preface, this story was transmitted over the "Usenet"
of travel agencies. I cannot vouch for its authenticity and
I haven't corrected any grammatical or typographical errors.
[ I'm sure it's false ]
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Following is our own version of a "soap" opera completely different from
those you usually see. It was submitted by a London hotel ... and ...
believe it or not, is true.
The hotel is a place... that gives *free* soap.
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Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the
six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and an-
other three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you,
S. Berman
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Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday,
from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish
as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put
on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This
leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the manage-
ment is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
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Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid,
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning
the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found
you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I
am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own
bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the
shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please
remove them.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps
which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which
were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your
Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.
I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside
the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object
to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of
further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
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Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that
you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will
accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future
complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
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Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel
for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.
I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a
new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-
room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of
soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap
to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assis-
tance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
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Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from
my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and
had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap
problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since
our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service
a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept
my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came
in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little
bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize
I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please
give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them
removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was
missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been
taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily [sic]. I
don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your
maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought
24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea
this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size
Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap
inventory. As of today I possess:
On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and
1 stack of 2.
On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
hotel-size bath-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks
are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more
than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill
is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.
One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am
keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
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