By way of preface, this story was transmitted over the "Usenet"
 of travel agencies.  I cannot vouch for its authenticity and
 I haven't corrected any grammatical or typographical errors.
 [ I'm sure it's false ]
 Following is our own version of a "soap" opera completely different from
 those you usually see.  It was submitted by a London hotel ... and ...
 believe it or not, is true.
 The hotel is a place... that gives *free* soap.
 Dear Maid,
        Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
 bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial.  Please remove the
 six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and an-
 other three in the shower soap dish.  They are in my way.  Thank you,
                                        S. Berman
 Dear Room 635,
        I am not your regular maid.  She will be back tomorrow, Thursday,
 from her day off.  I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish
 as you requested.  The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put
 on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.  This
 leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the manage-
 ment is to leave 3 soaps daily.  I hope this is satisfactory.
                                        Kathy, Relief Maid
 Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid,
        Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning
 the little bars of soap.  When I got back to my room this evening I found
 you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.  I
 am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own
 bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the
 shelf.  They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.  Please
 remove them.
                                        S. Berman
 Dear Mr. Berman,
        My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps
 which we are instructed by the management.  I took the 6 soaps which
 were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your
 Dial was.  I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.
 I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside
 the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object
 to when you checked in last Monday.  Please let me know if I can of
 further assistance.
                                        Your regular maid,
 Dear Mr. Berman,
        The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that
 you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
 service.  I have assigned a new girl to your room.  I hope you will
 accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.  If you have any future
 complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
 Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.  Thank you.
                                        Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
 Dear Miss Carmen,
        It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel
 for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM.  That's the
 reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night.  You were already off duty.
 I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
 bars of soap.  The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a
 new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
 medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-
 room shelf.  In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of
 soap.  Why are you doing this to me?
                                        S. Berman
 Dear Mr. Berman,
        Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap
 to your room and remove the extra soaps.  If I can be of further assis-
 tance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.  Thank you,
                                        Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
 Dear Mr. Kensedder,
        My bath-size Dial is missing.  Every bar of soap was taken from
 my room including my own bath-size Dial.  I came in late last night and
 had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
                                        S. Berman
 Dear Mr. Berman,
        I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap
 problem.  I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since
 our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service
 a room.  The situation will be rectified immediately.  Please accept
 my apologies for the inconvenience.
                                Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager
 Dear Mrs. Carmen,
        Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?  I came
 in last night and found 54 little bars of soap.  I don't want 54 little
 bars of Camay.  I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial.  Do you realize
 I have 54 bars of soap in here.  All I want is my bath size Dial.  Please
 give me back my bath-size Dial.
                                        S. Berman
 Dear Mr. Berman,
        You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them
 removed.  Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was
 missing so I personally returned them.  The 24 Camays which had been
 taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily [sic].  I
 don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.  Obviously your
 maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought
 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.  I don't know where you got the idea
 this hotel issues bath-size Dial.  I was able to locate some bath-size
 Ivory which I left in your room.
                                        Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
 Dear Mrs. Carmen,
        Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap
 inventory.  As of today I possess:
        On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and
 1 stack of 2.
        On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
        On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
 hotel-size bath-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
        Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
        In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
        On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
        On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
        Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks
 are neatly piled and dusted.  Also, please advise her that stacks of more
 than 4 have a tendency to tip.  May I suggest that my bedroom window sill
 is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.
 One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am
 keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
                                        S. Berman