By way of preface, this story was transmitted over the "Usenet"
 of travel agencies.  I cannot vouch for its authenticity and
 I haven't corrected any grammatical or typographical errors.
 [ I'm sure it's false ]
 --------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Following is our own version of a "soap" opera completely different from
 those you usually see.  It was submitted by a London hotel ... and ...
 believe it or not, is true.
 
 The hotel is a place... that gives *free* soap.
 
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 Dear Maid,
        Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
 bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial.  Please remove the
 six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and an-
 other three in the shower soap dish.  They are in my way.  Thank you,
                                        S. Berman
 
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 Dear Room 635,
        I am not your regular maid.  She will be back tomorrow, Thursday,
 from her day off.  I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish
 as you requested.  The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put
 on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.  This
 leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the manage-
 ment is to leave 3 soaps daily.  I hope this is satisfactory.
                                        Kathy, Relief Maid
 
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 Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid,
        Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning
 the little bars of soap.  When I got back to my room this evening I found
 you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.  I
 am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own
 bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the
 shelf.  They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.  Please
 remove them.
                                        S. Berman
 
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 Dear Mr. Berman,
        My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps
 which we are instructed by the management.  I took the 6 soaps which
 were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your
 Dial was.  I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.
 I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside
 the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object
 to when you checked in last Monday.  Please let me know if I can of
 further assistance.
                                        Your regular maid,
                                        Dotty
 
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 Dear Mr. Berman,
        The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that
 you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
 service.  I have assigned a new girl to your room.  I hope you will
 accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.  If you have any future
 complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
 Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.  Thank you.
                                        Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
 
-------------------------------------------
 
 Dear Miss Carmen,
        It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel
 for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM.  That's the
 reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night.  You were already off duty.
 I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
 bars of soap.  The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a
 new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
 medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-
 room shelf.  In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of
 soap.  Why are you doing this to me?
                                        S. Berman
 
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 Dear Mr. Berman,
        Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap
 to your room and remove the extra soaps.  If I can be of further assis-
 tance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.  Thank you,
                                        Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
 
-------------------------------------------
 
 Dear Mr. Kensedder,
        My bath-size Dial is missing.  Every bar of soap was taken from
 my room including my own bath-size Dial.  I came in late last night and
 had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
                                        S. Berman
 
-------------------------------------------
 
 
 Dear Mr. Berman,
        I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap
 problem.  I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since
 our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service
 a room.  The situation will be rectified immediately.  Please accept
 my apologies for the inconvenience.
                                Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager
 
-------------------------------------------
 
 Dear Mrs. Carmen,
        Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?  I came
 in last night and found 54 little bars of soap.  I don't want 54 little
 bars of Camay.  I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial.  Do you realize
 I have 54 bars of soap in here.  All I want is my bath size Dial.  Please
 give me back my bath-size Dial.
                                        S. Berman
 
-------------------------------------------
 
 Dear Mr. Berman,
        You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them
 removed.  Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was
 missing so I personally returned them.  The 24 Camays which had been
 taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily [sic].  I
 don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.  Obviously your
 maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought
 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.  I don't know where you got the idea
 this hotel issues bath-size Dial.  I was able to locate some bath-size
 Ivory which I left in your room.
                                        Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
 
-------------------------------------------
 
 
 Dear Mrs. Carmen,
        Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap
 inventory.  As of today I possess:
        On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and
 1 stack of 2.
        On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
        On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
 hotel-size bath-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
        Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
        In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
        On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
        On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
 
        Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks
 are neatly piled and dusted.  Also, please advise her that stacks of more
 than 4 have a tendency to tip.  May I suggest that my bedroom window sill
 is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.
 One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am
 keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
                                        S. Berman
 
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