THE UMPTEEN MILLION TYPES OF FRP PLAYERS Bill Bynum writes: By now, most users on the net are familiar with the traditional "Four types of players": The Real Man, The Real Role-Player, The Loonie, and The Munchkin. Obviously, the creation of the Four Types is meant to be a joke, as well as a gross oversimplification, but even so, I think it's time we had a much more detailed oversimplification. So here, without further ado, is the summary of: THE TWENTY-FIVE TYPES OF FRP PLAYERS I collected this list and I figured everyone would like to see it once more. The author of each type of player is listed before their contributions. I have edited portions of this article so mistakes can be considered mine and text can be considered the authors'. Any contributions to this list are quite welcome, just send to: Ordania-DM@portal.cup.com And now, for your enlightenment, edification, and humor we present: THE 35 TYPES OF PLAYERS For your further enlightenment and edification I present the continuing series of "The infinite types of Players and Game Masters": Robert "Nickelpede" DeLoura was kind enough to send me a few responses to the various types of Players and GM's, so I am including them here in the hopes of embarassing Robert to the point of #29 (just kidding). I hope you enjoy them, I certainly did. 1. The Real Man -- "Hot Diggity!! Gnoll outpost at twelve o'clock!! CHAAAAAAAARGE!!!" 2. The Real Role-Player -- "Don't start yet!! I need my two minutes to get properly into character." 3. The Loonie -- "I sheathe my longsword and kiss the ogre on the lips." 4. The Munchkin -- "Five arch-devils and two demigods? That's ALL?! I guess I'll only need to use six of my rings for this encounter." 5. The Coward -- "Yikes! Three kobolds!! Retreat! Retreat!" 6. The Troublemaker -- "Just before the Mayor gives his speech to the town, I cast ,command -- vomit' on him." 7. The Novice -- "I just rolled a 2 on my ,to hit' roll. Did I want high or low?" 8. The Tactician -- "The archer will move silently into position behind the podium, carefully aiming at the seargent. The mage shall remain behind the door in preparation of a ,sleep' spell which will be centered at the table around which are the bulk of the guards. Meanwhile, the fighter and I shall..." 9. The Quiet Type -- "I dunno... I lob off another arrow at the monster this round, I guess." 10. The Punster -- "You know how many clerics it takes to fix a light bulb? One to cast ,cure light'." 11. The PC Infighter -- "Since Ruth's been such a twit, I hit her in the face with my flail while she's casting her ,find familiar' spell." 12. Joe I-Got-the-Rules-Down-Pat -- "No, if you look in the DMG, page 81 paragraph 5, you'll find this spell won't affect griffons." 13. The Whiner -- "Three points?! I take THREE POINTS OF DAMAGE!?! Frank, what the hell kind of grudge do you have against me?" 14. The Bully -- "Are you sure I don't make my saving throw? Are you ABSOLUTELY sure? Do you want to keep your nose the way it is, Lou?" 15. Mr. Greedy -- "So it's not evil? And it's not attacking? So what! I WANT THAT XP!!!!" 16. The Cheater -- "I roll an... 18! It hits!"[Quickly grabs dice.] 17. The Chastiser -- "And you DIDN'T SEE THAT TRAP COMING? Hahahahahaha!! Just how long did you say you've been playing this game?" 18. The Kamikaze Guy -- "I jump off our perch, taking careful aim to land dead center on the hobgoblin patrol. Just before I hit the ground, though, I set off the ,fire trap' on all my nine flasks of oil." 19. The Good Roller -- "Oh, looky here. An 03 on percentile dice. If that door was trapped, I just found something." 20. The Bad Roller -- "Oh, damn it all!! *Another* critical fumble!!" 21. The Braggart -- "The thought of you attacking me isn't even interesting. I could get off a ,sleep' spell and slit your unconscious throat before you even get your longsword out of its sheath." 22. The Reminiscer -- "Say, y'know, this is kind of like the time our party thief spent twenty minutes trying to lock-pick an unlocked door." 23. Goody Two-Shoes -- "Wait a minute. Even if they are orcs, we just can't kill them when they're asleep and can't defend themselves." 24. The Overoptimistic Daydreamer -- "After we get through this campaign, and have gained about nine, ten levels, I'm going to buy me the finest battle axe that money can buy." 25. Short-Attention-Span Man -- "Hmmm? What? Oh, are we attacking now?" James Heath 26. Thermonuclear Man (sub-species of Munchkin) -- "Awright, I swing at the Orc with my Bastard Sword. (roll) That's a 2 -- +2 for strength, +3 for specialization, +2 for (blah blah blah). So that's a 27. (Sarcastic grin) Does it hit?" Kathryn L.Smith 27. The Gm-hater (subclass of troublemaker) -- the person who comes into the game and does his best to think of ways to react to a situation that the GM hasn't. Having a PC who is slightly schizophrenic is a good excuse for this. Note: mixes really badly with the "storytelling" style of GM. Charles K. Hughes 28. The mindless player -- GM:"The gaping chasm stretches out before you. It is too far to jump across." Player:"I jump the chasm." Paul J. Zanca 29) The Crybaby: "You mean the big rock crushed me? My character's DEAD?!? Really, really DEAD?!? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" 30) The Cowboy: "I walk proudly up to the King and challenge him to a duel to the death. Oh yeah, I make sure to call him a wimp." 31) The Psycho Killer: DM: "Okay, you open the door and you see--" PK: "KILL KILL KILL!! BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD!! RRAAAAAGGGGHH!!" 32) The Worry Wort: "Okay, my mage is invisible, levitating thirty meters above the party, has a Phantom Armor and a Stoneskin on him, a Ring of Fire Resistance worn, a Minor Globe of Invulnerability up (et cetera, et cetera) Damn! I have a bad feeling about this..." -Robert "Nickelpede" DeLoura replies: DM: Suddenly, a spellcaster appears in the hallway before you. Quickly gesturing in the direction of the invisible mage, he casts a spell.
Oh, my! Mr. Worry Wort has just plummeted 30 meters to the ground, to his death! 33) The Cavern Shyster (more commonly known as Bill Mulhausen): "Oh, so the Illusionary Medusa I cast at the Archdemon Orcus doesn't turn him to stone, does it? Well, if you look at the spell discription, it says right here that he gets no save, has no chance to disbeleive, and I made my magic resistance roll! What do you say to THAT?" -Robert "Nickelpede" DeLoura replies: DM: Orcus is a Demon Lord. He eats Medusae for breakfast. Amidst a hearty chuckle of laughter at your feeble attempt at illusion, he throws a thirty-die lighting bolt at you. What do you say to THAT? 34) The Pig-eyed Glutton: "Now how do we go about carting off this 800 copper pieces? We're already loaded down with the four suits of leather armor and electrum-inlaid toilet seats we found earlier..." Charles Hughes (Ordania-DM) 35) The masochist: "I stop running, turn around, slap the minotaur, and tell him to stop breathing down my neck." (closely related to #3, the Loonie) Scott Butler decided one boring day to get one up on ol' Bill Bynum and created "The Nineteen Types of Game Masters". Not to be outdone I compiled the list of game masters also. :) So this list started with Scott's original 19 and has now grown to: THE 41 TYPES OF GAME MASTERS The author of each type of GM is listed before their contributions. I have edited portions of this article so mistakes can be considered mine and text can be considered the authors'. Any contributions to this list are quite welcome, just send to: Ordania-DM@portal.cup.com Robert "Nickelpede" DeLoura was kind enough to send me a few responses to the various types of Players and GM's, so I am including them here in the hopes of embarassing Robert to the point of Player #29 (just kidding). I hope you enjoy them, I certainly did. And now, for your enlightenment, edification, and humor we present: THE 41 TYPES OF GAME MASTERS: (Can you find yours?) THE NINETEEN TYPES OF DUNGEON MASTER Scott Butler 1. The Munchkin -- "Having slain the hordes of Azoth single-handedly, without even unsheathing the Sword of Universal Destruction, your half grey-elven/half gold-dragon 50th level paladin/MU/Cleric/Monk/Bard gazes down upon the pitiful Cthulu who grovels at his feet..." 2. Monty Haul (variation on the Munchkin, but characters tend to be lower level) -- "You are each granted one wish." "I wish to have the hand and eye of Vecna." "I wish to have the flask of Teurny the Merciless." "I wish to have..." "Poof, they appear in front of you. Now what do you do?" 3. Killer -- "As you pull aside the tapestry, a green slime jumps upon you from behind it, killing you...nope, no 'to hit' or saving throw allowed, it says so right here." 4. The Troublemaker -- singles out one player and continually hands him/her notes which read "Don't let anyone know there is nothing on this note." 5. The Cheater -- "I don't care if you hit on an 18 LAST time, THIS time you missed, and I don't want to hear another thing about it." 6. Mr. Don't-question-me -- "A blue bolt from heaven strikes Harold the Whiner, reducing him to one hit point. Anybody else got a problem with this campaign?" 7. The Novice -- "You rolled a 2 on your 'to hit' roll. Did you want high or low?" 8. Verbose -- "The door is solid oak, bound with 4 iron bands of roughly equal width, spaced equidistant along its width, and the wood is polished smooth, stained a dark brown, except for a small patch near the bottom which is blacker, and hinges are not visible from this side, but you notice the exquisite design of the lock, the faceplate of which is a starburst design, edged in gold or maybe polished copper or brass, its kind of hard to tell with the torchlight, but the knocker is definitely cast iron and you see...(sounds of snoring from party members)" 9. those With a poker face -- "The slave you rescued courteously accepts your offer to accompany you and thanks you for your trust in her..." 10. those Without a poker face -- "The slave you rescued, hee hee, courteously accepts your offer, snort, to accompany you and thanks you for your trust in her, hah hah...boy are you gonna get it now...giggle" 11. timid -- "The orc hits your for 4 points of damage, if that's OK with you, Steve. Really, you've got 17 hit points left and he has only 2, so you'll be okay, OK?" 12. DePalma school of blood and gore -- "Your magic drill cleaves the demon's skull in twain and it literally explodes, spattering everyone with blood and brains. An unsightly green ichor drips from your face as you watch the smoldering corpse churn before you like a baby in a blender and finally settle into a puddle of vomit and excrement..." 13. Gibson school of writing graduate - "The view in the crystal ball was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel." 14. Vengeful -- "You won't go out with me Saturday? Okay, all of the were-rats attack Christine." 15. AD&D'er -- "The 100 peasants beat at your fighter ineffectually with their sticks and pitchforks until you have slain them all. A heroic effort on your part." [That was a really cheap shot!] 16. anti-AD&D'er -- "The 100 peasants overbear your fighter with their great numbers and, unable to move under the weight of their hordes, you squirm helplessly as they pry open your field plate and skewer you like a lobster. You die an ignoble death." 17. the Stickler for detail -- "Taking into account atmospheric conditions, the acceleration due to gravity, the low drag coefficient of your greased plate mail, your high dexterity, the gold in your backpack, your associated credit rating, the eggs you had for breakfast, ...and the average number of chickens who would remain inside the coup on a warm day, you have to roll 13 or better to survive the fall..." 18. No originality -- "Its a quest, see, you're trying to take this ring to Mordor, to drop it into a volcano to destroy it. No, no, honest I thought of this campaign myself..." 19. Leading and Overbearing -- "You pump the bartender for information and he tells you about a red dragon's lair to the west." "Too risky, we go to hear rumours somewhere else." "A man offers to hire you to clean out a red dragon's lair for him." "We say no thank you and leave for the next village." "On the way to the village you stumble onto a red dragon's lair..." Mark Isaak 20. the Dungeon Builder -- "The first door in the hallway opens onto a 20'x20' room containing a griffon. The next room contains a party of orcs. The next contains a gelatinous cube. The next contains a couple giants..." J.D. Frazer 21. The Schmuck - "Oh. Can someone really do that? Okay, I'll let you have a 50% chance. Oh. Okay, 75% then." 22. The Executioner - "A hidden blade slides down the doorway, mincing the two fighters and the cleric. The thief gets nine crossbow bolts in his back, and the magic user is hit by an intense beam of light, burning a hole through his head." 23. The Ghoul - "That's the 17th character you rolled tonight? Mouahahahahahahahahahah!" 24. The Absolute Monarch - "The huge Red dragon CAN fit through the little hole, 'cause I SAID SO!" 25. The Generous Munchkin - "Okay, now that you've killed that Kobold, you open the treasure chests and fine 100,000 gold pieces, 50,000 platinum pieces, and two hundred gems worth a zillion gold each. Oh, and a +20 Vorpal Sword. And before I forget, a Rod of Seven Parts too." 26. The Killer Munchkin - "You guys are dead." 27. The Whining Munchkin - "But, but, you guys CAN'T do that! It's my only dungeon! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail!" 28. The Die Modifier - "Yeah, yeah, so you rolled a 20. You missed. Secret modifiers you know." 29. The Unimaginative Type - "You walk into the bar and see thirty mercenaries all wearing scalemail and carrying longswords. They all sit at seperate tables." 30. The Design Zealot - "I just need another 15 minutes. I only have 3 more levels to populate." Kathryn L.Smith 31. The storyteller/scripter. He has the plot for the adventure all figured out, and you're going to follow it come hell or high water. 32. The planner. He has everything for the adventure carefully planned and written out ahead of time -- All the NPCs stats and background details, who will tell you what, and so forth. 33. The "Make it up as we go" type. He comes in with a vague idea of what the PCs will run into today, and fills in the details as he goes along. Charles K. Hughes 34. The literal type -- Player: "I wish Joe had more lives". GM:"Joe, you are now a schizophrenic." and Player: "What is the air speed of a swallow?" GM:"African or European?" Paul J. Zanca 35) Sadistic: "Just then, eighty ancient huge red dragons descend on your party...they all breathe on you at once! What do you do NOW?" Charles Hughes (Ordania-DM) 35a) Sadist with Masochist players: "Realizing that you are adventurers the red dragon egg hurls itself into a pan to prevent you from getting the experience for them." <2nd edition AD&D.> 35b) Sadist with Masochist players: "Realizing that you are adventurers the 80 ancient huge red dragons kill themselves to prevent you from getting the experience for them." -Robert "Nickelpede" DeLoura replies: I may actually try this sometime. I know *just* the party. :-) (I wouldn't use anything as noble as a Dragon, of course) Paul J. Zanca 36) Graduate of the Bob Newhart School of Dry Humour: "Okay, the sun goes nova and you are caught in the explosion. Everybody takes (roll roll roll...) nine thousand seven hundred and forty-eight points of fire damage >from the plasma... save for half. What'd you roll? Oh, too bad." -Robert "Nickelpede" DeLoura replies: Cavern Shyster: (a member of the party) "Well, I had my Ring of Fire Resistance on, so I only take 2 points of damage per round from the flames. How long did they last?" 37) Nice: "Well Bill, I don't know how to tell you this, but your character's dead. Just like that. I'm really sorry, but you know, these things happen. 'Man hath but a short time to live, and that full of sorrow.' Look man, I know you're hurting. If you want to talk about it, we can take a break... 38) Monty Python-esque: "Oh no! The Mutated Potato Monster sprays the party with a stream of Red-Hot Wolf Nipple Chips(TM)! Everybody takes zero damage, Save Versus Heebie-Jeebies or Become Very Frightened And Explode!" 39) Forgetful: "Okay, you walk into the room. The orcs look up from their card game, much surprised to see anybody at this hour, and grab their--Huh? You've already been through here and killed the orcs? Shit. Okay,let's try that again. You notice seven slaughtered orcs..." 40) Flowery: "Oho! Methinks that the Purple Mage has waxed sorely pissed at thy attempt to engulf him in thy vomitous Stinking Cloud dweomer! By my trow, he has, in his wroth, flung a Power Word, Kill at thee, with a shout of 'Have at thee, vile knave!' What dost thou doest now, brave adventurer?" Dave Cooke (?) 41) The Chaos King: "Ok, the gnome got off his Confusion spell, everyone roll their actions as the 4 leprechauns chase 3 rust monsters into the camp. BTW: the two hobbits who you found tied to a tree earlier take this moment to change into doppelgangers and attack the princess you're supposed to be guarding. You see all this clearly because the wagons in the caravan are burning from the arrows the orcs have fired at them. Who's wearing armor, as you were all asleep?" Yes, I know, 35a and 35b were cheap shots, but I'm an AD&D DM so I can make them. :) More to come, perhaps even in some semblance of order, as they are received.