Inspector's Relay Hints

Guys!!!

Girls!!!

Can't find a mate on your own? Are you obnoxious to others when you meet them in person, or just plain annoying? Do you live a life where you dream about that special someone from another school, someone who you've never met before? Then you want to join the meat market out there...

RELAY!!!!!!

Yes, the place where you too can experience the thrill of enjoying someone else's company without ever meeting the person...

Find that you are a female, and not many people talk to you? Just go on to relay, and watch the guys come FLOCKING to you. It first starts with a simple hello, then BAM!!!! private messages, then the DREADED ID file, then an exchanging of photographs, then the guy wants to come over and visit you in person! He'll usually ask for some measurements from you, seeing as he's already told you how hard it is to be humble when he has a ten inch "schlong" (thanks, Bob!). Tell him you are a 38-26-34, he'll love you! Doesn't matter if they are accurate or not, because if he ever meets you in person, he won't care anymore - it will be one of the few times he has ever actually TALKED to someone of the female gender. Unless you count the time he swore at the computer voice on that video game.

Guys - can't seem to find that girl of your dreams? Can't seem to find ANY girl? Don't even know what a girl looks like? Well, hop on the relay bandwagon. Pick a channel, any channel. Doesn't matter, they're all the same (unless you are gay - then you want channel 33!). Anyhow, get on, and say hi to everyone; it's the polite thing to do, and a nice way to try to accomplish what you want (get a girl, ANY girl, in the sack). Start talking to people - if you talk to another guy, chances are he won't answer because he is trying to pick up GIRLS, not guys. He doesn't want you. So don't talk to him (unless he knows some girl, which he probably doesn't).

Soon, you will find that the ratio of guys to girls is even worse than that here at Tech, which means at least 7 guys to 1 girl. If you are real lucky, you'll get on a channel with 3 girls. So, now you've started talking...

First, gotta find a nickname. If you are male, try hardbody, or teninches!, or girlsluvme, or something equally untrue and inappropriate. Females - choose something like Manhunter, 36D, or luvbutts! It will get people of the other sex talking to you.

You're wondering why several of the other guys on the channel are suspiciously quiet. Well, they're NOT quiet - they're sending private messages to the lone girl on the channel, or to a girl on a private channel! So, you better join in - pick any girl at random, and start sending her private messages. Start telling her about how you are great at the latest video game, how making love is SO difficult lately (no girl can seem to resist me! what will i do?), and why classes are so hard lately {but then again, everything is hard with me! *hee hee* :-) }.

Always remember to put in *hee hee* , *grin*, and other things like that. Makes it appear that you are human. It's just an act, though.

OK, now you've got this girl in your sights. She's actually talking to you, and she's put up with your gibberish about your sex life. Occasionally, you and she talk about things in the REAL world, but both of you seem at a loss for words. Can't talk about what you don't know. After some small talk, you must send her your id, and maybe if you are lucky, get one back. OK, here's Joe Goofball reading it...

"She likes horseback riding, romantic evenings, candlelight dinners, kissing (Joe blushes - he's never KISSED a girl before, unless you count his sister), and watching T.V. (Joe is finally happy! - he watches T.V. all the time, when he is not on relay!)"

Next time Joe logs on relay, he finds this hot (cough! cough!) girl on relay. Try having compusex with her! It's a fun, safe way to give yourself pleasure you can't get any other way. Just ask her (through private messages, of course!) if she wants to have computer sex with you. She'll probably want to, of course. So, just act along with her - she might know more than you about it, anyhow. It'll give you something to dream about, unless...

You actually want to MEET this person! Doesn't matter if she lives 10 miles away, or across the country. You can fly out to meet her. If she's as desparate as you are, she'd love to have you come out to meet her. Maybe you two can spend an evening together on the computer or something...

Or, you can be like a person from Philadelphia...who "found" the perfect girl for him. They exchanged letters, and phoned each other constantly. Finally, he decided to visit her (note that no pictures had been exchanged) in Michigan, and flew up there.

He was in an all girls dorm, and when he met this girl, she was "the ugliset, fattest girl i had ever seen" {his quote - i can only guess how boring he was}. So, what did he do? (his quote again) - "I slept with her". Why, you ask? "Because I had to get something for my money".

If you don't want to meet the girl in person, YET you have had compusex with them...what better way to show your love for this person that a relay marriage? Relay marriages are safe, you never have to worry about alimony, AND, in Bitnet land, bigamy is legal!!! So, get married to two or three people - have computer sex with all of them - it's safe, fun, and you don't have to worry about any nifty diseases...

Wait, you say! You don't want to pick up a guy or girl for life on relay? You're a girl, and afraid that some guy will try to pick you up? Well, you can either 1) sign on to relay as a guy, and talk normally or 2) "If you're from Stevens Tech, I'm a guy! Really!" [thanks, Jenny!]

The hardest trick of all is to find a person on relay who is actually three dimensional. Most are two dimensional - just like the video screen that they are looking at.


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Pete Bevin, pete@petebevin.com