Dear Mr. Smith,
Your name has been submitted to us with your photo and I regret to inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centrefold.
On a scale of 0 - 10 your body was rated -6 by our panel of women, ranging from 60 - 80 years old. We tried to assemble a panel in the age bracket of 20 - 30 years old, but we could not stop them laughing long enough to reach a decision.
It does not seem likely that the taste of British women will ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate for our centrefold. Therefore, with your permission, we shall retain your photograph in our files until we can compose an appropriate caption and use it as a cartoon.
PS We do commend you for your unusual pose. Were you injured during the war or do you ride a bike a lot?