Everything I needed to know in life...
...I learned it from the movies. Here are some things I would never
have known without watching bad films. See how many of them you
- During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip
club at least once.
- All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
- All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit
level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to
any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be
necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will
wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night,
you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises in their most revealing underwear.
- Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
- Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to
- If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be
cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep
your mouth shut.
- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
- A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
- When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
- When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and
wisecracks are your best weapons.
- One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20
men firing at one man.
- Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more
- If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German
bullets are unable to penetrate water.
- Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication
systems of any invading alien civilization.
- Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from
international terrorist organizations - even though the job will require
them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as
the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.
- Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any
of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.
- All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
- Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
- Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage
despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.
- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -
unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
- You can tell if somebody is British because they will be wearing a bow
- When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the
person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.
- An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no
lasting damage to an eight year old child.
- Having a job of any kind will make father's forget their son's eighth
- Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three
days before their retirement.
- If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in
Nuclear Fission at age 22.
John Nickelson (duecypoo at hotmail dot com) adds these ones - thanks John!
- If being chased through town, you can easily take cover in a passing St.
Patrick's Day parade - anytime of year.
- All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while SCUBA diving.
- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris
- When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill -
just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
- It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the
control booth to talk you down.
- At least one pair of identical twins is born evil.
- If you decide to start dancing in the streets, everyone you bump into will
know the all the steps.
- Extremely beautiful women are likely to become either prostitutes or
- It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one
dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their
- Radiation causes interesting mutations - not to your future children but to
you, right then and there.
- Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies
using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses,
lasers, and man-eating sharks, which allow their captives at least 20
minutes to escape.