To: All Salaried Staff From: The Board Ref: FK/U
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under the plan, older employees will be asked to go on an early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE (Retire Agend Personnel Early).
Employees who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the company, provided that they are actually being RAPEd. They may request a review of theitr employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPEd or SCREWed may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called SHAFT (Study of Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, employees may be RAPEd once, SCREWed twice, but be SHAFTed as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If the employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earning for Retired Personnel Early Severeance). As HERPES is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received HERPES will no longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the company.
Management wishes to assure the youngest employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area. If any employee feels he of she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure that you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
For those who have graduated having taken all the SHIT the company can provide there is the supervisors program Complete Responsibility Action Program (CRAP) and employees who have taken all the SHIT and CRAP available will become one of the elite. Supervisors will assist emplyees via the training scheme Advanced Supervisory Staff Helping Our Local Employees (ASSHOLE) and the more SHIT and CRAP you can handle, the faster you will qualify as an ASSHOLE.