Posted onto the Sun's "news" network by JE Hammick, 1st year Maths/Comp, Univ.

Subject: A little play
Words: Dr Collins wrote them so I can't read them.

A play by Theo Readers.

DR COLLINS LEARNS TO WRITE

ACT I Scene i
Scene: University Museum

PERSON IN 1st ROW: Could you write a bit bigger, please?
[DR COLLINS picks up 20ft bamboo phallic symbol and waves at
audience.]
DR COLLINS: Of course a surjective function on a surjective
fucntion has a unique left inverse...
[He struts away stage left and falls through the floor. Audience
do not notice but continue throwing paper darts around.]

Scene ii
Scene: Hall of the Goblin King

GOBLIN KING (Dr. Powell): Vat have ve here then? I'm not trying
to be nasty or anything, but you can't write.
DR COLLINS: But conversely, an injective function on an injective
function is called an injection, which is usually something you
get at the doctor's! [Someone laughs.]
BALLOON MAN: Excuse me! [High pitched voice.] I feel a little
prick coming on my balloon. [Pops balloon. DR COLLINS looks round
in amazement.]
DR COLLINS: Where am I?
SMARTARSE: So for any delta greater than zero we can pick a
homeomorphism...
BALLOON MAN: NOT a homomorphism, Dr Collins, which is in Group
Theory. Why didn't you warn your students in advance about the
absence of books?

SONG 1
BALLOON MAN:
So why do you strut up and down in your lectures
And point pointed sticks at the class?
And please don't make jokes about stupid conjectures;
You'll only end up on your arse.

CHORUS [off stage]:
Please don't (*3) strut up and down (up and down)
Please don't (*2), you'll end up under the ground.

GOBLIN KING:
But far more important's the matter of writing;
Your students can't read what you say.
And as you can see, this is only inviting
Bad Mods at the end of the day.

CHORUS [o.s.]:
Please don't (*3) write in that scrawl (in that scrawl)
Please don't (*2), you might take a rather bad fall.


BALLOON MAN:
I wonder what Freud would have said if he'd seen you
While strutting around with that stick?
I don't think you realise how much it makes you
Resemble an oversized prick.

CHORUS [o.s.]:
Please don't (*3) point with that cane (with that cane)
Please don't (*2) because we are going insane.

DR COLLINS: I don't honestly see what you're getting at?

GOBLIN KING: Perhaps you vould like to sit in this UNCOMFY CHAIR.
Ve Nazis have vays & means.

DR COLLINS: No, please let me go back, I promise I'll be good.
There's no place like home! There's no place ...

GOBLIN KING: Shut up, this is not a dream. Now, are you going to
let everyone else take the rip out of you for the rest of your
life, or are you going to grow 6 inches? Har har!

DR COLLINS: Of I get another chance, I will. If course I'll
change my ways.

[He's been relocated!]


ACT II Scene i
Scene: Maths Institute

DR SULI: I see you have met our mutual friend, so my colleagues
and I have devised a lecture course lecturing course.

SONG 2

DR SALAMON:
To look like me is not a bar,
As long as you stay where you are!

DR TOD:
Go find yourself a decent book
And stick with it until they're hooked.

DR BASTON:
Don't try to crack unfunny jokes,
You may be sorry that you spoke.

DR DAY:
It doesn't matter if you're boring,
Just as long as they aren't snoring.

 

DR COLLINS: OK! I get the point. I'm going to go in there and
knock 'em stone cold!

Scene ii
Scene: A lecture room in the Institute

[DR COLLINS enters]

[STUDENTS stone DR COLLINS]

END OF PLAY

Cast:
PERSON IN FIRST ROW/SMARTARSE: The one who brought the skeleton
in that time
DR COLLINS: Dr M.J. Collins
BALLOON MAN: Dr Roe
GOBLIN KING: Dr Powell
DR SULI: Dr Suli
DR SALAMON (DR COLLINS' brother): Dr Salamon
DR TOD (the GOBLIN KING's brother): Dr Tod
DR BASTON: Dr Baston
DR DAY: Dr Day
STUDENTS/CHORUS: {1st year mathematicians}

I take no responsibility for the above play. I simply found it on a computer I
was using !!!!