Smutty Songs and Limericks


The world can always use more smutty songs. Send them in and if they're any good, I'll post them here. The address is

Do your balls hang low
Can you swing them to and fro
Can you tie them in a knot
Can you tie them in a bow
Can you toss them on your shoulder
Like a Continental soldier
Do you ever get the feeling
As your bollocks hit the ceiling
That you'll never be a sailor
If your balls hang low.

(Traditional -- thanks to Sarah Hartwell,


These are just some of my favourites. I'm generally picky about scansion, so if you want to send me more, bear that in mind...

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
   He said with a grin,
   As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a cunt, I would fuck it!"

There once was a man named Levine,
Who invented a screwing machine.
   Concave and convex,
   It served either sex,
And played with itself in between.

There was a young fellow from Parma
Who was solemnly screwing his charmer.
   Said the damsel, demure,
   "You'll excuse me, I'm sure,
But I must say you fuck like a farmer."
My back aches. My penis is sore.
I simply can't fuck anymore.
   I'm dripping with sweat,
   And you haven't come yet;
And, my God!  It's a quarter to four!
There was a young man named Cass
Whose bollocks were made out of brass.
   When they tinkled together,
   They played "Stormy Weather",
And lightning shot out of his ass.

A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
   And they argued all night
   Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.

There was a young German named Ringer
Who was screwing an opera singer.
   Said he with a grin,
   "Well, I've sure got it in!"
Said she,"You mean that's not your finger?"
A young violinist from Rio
Was seducing a lady named Cleo.
   As she took down her panties
   She said, "No andantes;
I want this allegro con brio!"
Said a lecherous fellow named Shea
When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
   "You must seize it, and squeeze it,
   And tease it, and please it,
For Rome wasn't built in a day."
There once was a Priest from Siberia
Who did something very inferior
   He did to a nun
   What he shouldn't have done
And now she's a Mother Superior.

Trev Rutter ( writes: You may have heard these before, but they are three of my favourites :- There was a young lady called Corrie Whose cunt was as wide as a quarry She lay on her back And opened her crack And in backed Jack in his lorry There was an old Bishop of Buckingham Who stood on the bridge at Uffingham Watching the stunts Of the cunts in the punts And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking 'em This last one is a masterpiece of rhyme. By the way if you are an American the place in the first line is pronounced Tottnum in best English, but for the purpose of this limerick we can pronounce it Tottenum! There was a young lady from Tottenham Her manners - she'd simply forgotten 'em During tea at the vicar's She ripped off her knickers Because she was feeling too hot in 'em
Windy Ruiz ( writes: there was a young lady named Gloria who was had by Sir Gerald duMaurier then by ten men Sir Gerald again and the band at the Waldorf Astoria there was a young girl from Devizes who had breasts of two different sizes one was quite small almost nothing at all but the other was large and won prizes there was a young man of Cyrene who invented a wanking machine on the 99th stroke the fucking thing broke and whipped his balls into cream

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Pete Bevin,