HOW TO LEAVE THE PLANET

You have been carefully selected as a totally random member of the Human Race. This chapter is for you. Before you read it:

  1. Find a stout chair.
  2. Sit on it.

This chapter has been spontaeously generated by the PASSING ACQUAINTANCES OF THE EARTH computer. It will appear when the computer judges that that the Earth has passed the Possibilty Of Sorting Things Out Sensibly Event Horizon.

If you have this information you may assume that the crucial point has now been passed, and that you are one of those chosen to be the future of the Human Race.

The following instructions are for you:

How to leave the planet:

  1. Phone NASA (tel. 0101 713 483 0123). Explain that it's very important that you get away as quickly as possible.
  2. If they do not cooperate, then try to get someone at the White House (tel. 0101 202 456 1414) to bring some pressure to bear on them.
  3. If you don't get any joy out of them, phone the Kremlin (tel. 0107 095 295 9051) and ask them to bring a little pressure to bear on the White House on your behalf.
  4. If that too fails, phone the Pope for guidance (tel. 010 396 6982).
  5. If all these attempts fail, flag down a flying saucer and explain that it's vitally important that you get away before your phone bill arrives.

Where you should be heading:

Where everyone else in the Galaxy is heading. Stay in the swim, hang out in bars, keep your ear to the sub-etha. Send all information home on postcards for the benefit of the next wave of Earth emigrants. Current information says that everyone else in the Galaxy is heading for a small planet in Galactic Sector JPG71248. It is clearly the most wonderfully trendy zillion tons of hunky rock in the known sky.

What your travels will be like:

Difficult and unbelievably dangerous. Space is notorious for having all sorts of terribly frightening things happening in it, most of which are dealt with by running away very fast. You should therefore take with you:
  1. A pair of strong running shoes. The most useful type are of outrageous design and mind-mangling colours; experience has shown that if, while strolling through the ancient swampworld of Slurmgurst you come unexpectedly across an appalling alien monster with Lasero-Zap eyes, Swivel-Shear teeth, several dozen tungsten-carbide Vast-Pain claws forged in the sun furnaces of Zangrijad, and a terrible temper, it is in your immediate best interests that the monster should be for a moment a) startled, and b) looking downwards.
  2. A towel. While the monster is temporarily confused by your footwear you should wrap the towel round its head and strike it with a blunt instrument.
  3. A blunt instrument (see above).
  4. A green Eezi-Mind Anti-Guilt jacket or sweat shirt, for wearing after incidents such as above. Guilt is now known to be an electromagnetic wave-form which is reflected and diffused by the material from which these shirts are made. Wearing them protects you from worrying about all sorts of things, including your unpaid phone bill.
  5. A pair of Joo Janta 200 Super Chromatic Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses. These will help you to develop a relaxed attitude to danger. At the first hint of trouble they turn totally black, thus preventing you from seeing anything which might alarm you.
  6. All the lyrics to any songs you like to sing whilst travelling. It is very easy to make enemies by continually singing a song you don't know all the words to, particularly on long space journeys.
  7. A bottle of something. There are very few people in the Galaxy who won't be more pleased to see you if you are carrying a bottle of something.

Medical kit:

In case of physical injury, press the buttons relating to a) part affected and b) nature of injury simultaneously
[] leg              [] broken
[] arm              [] bruised
[] head             [] wrenched off
[] chest            [] mauled by Alglian Suntiger
[] other            [] insulted

This page will instantly exude appropriate waves of sympathy and understanding.

REASSURANCE PANEL

In case of doubt, confusion of alarm, please touch this panel.
Hi There!

At times of stress it is often reassuring to make physical contact with friendly objects. This panel is your friend.

NB: On the assumption that nothing terrible is going to happen to the world and everything's suddenly going to be alright really, all the advice in this message may be safely ignored.


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