43rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped A Law of Computer Programming: Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you will find the programmers cannot write in English. Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it; get a larger hammer. Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop. - Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes. Arnold's Laws of Documentation: 1) If it should exist, it doesn't. 2) If it does exist, it's out of date. 3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws. Arthur C. Clarke's Law : It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value. Arthur's Laws of Love: 1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else. 2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person. Beckhap's Law: Beauty times brains equals a constant. Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress. Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look. Boren's Laws: 1) When in charge, ponder. 2) When in trouble, delegate. 3) When in doubt, mumble. Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, How would the Lone Ranger have handled this? Brook's Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. Bucy's Law: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. Conway's Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. - This person must be fired. Drew's Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes. Emersons' Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to invent. (R. Emerson) -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program (whose author claims, Actually, stealing IS easier.) to which I reply, You think it's easy for me to misconstrue all these misquotations?!?] Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. Fifth Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do. Finagle's first Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. - Finagle's second Law: No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory. - Finagle's third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake - Corollaries: 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don't want to hear, will see it immediately. - Finagle's fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind. First Law of Procrastination: Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed the deadline). First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary. Flon's Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs. Fourth Law of Applied Terror: The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. Fourth Law of Applied Terror: The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course. Fourth Law of Revision: It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you. Fudd's First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall over. Galbraith's Law of Human Nature: Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof. Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done. Gordon's Warranty Law: All warranty clauses expires upon bill payment. Grandpa Charnock's Law: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. Gray's Law of Programming: '_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as '_n' tasks. _ Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: '_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as '_n' trivial tasks. H. L. Mencken's Law: Those who can -- do. Those who can't -- teach. - Martin's Extension: Those who cannot teach -- administrate. Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. Hare's Law: Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out. Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined. Hartley's First Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something. Hartley's Second Law: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Harvard Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases. Healey's Law of Holes: When you're in one, stop digging. Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists. - Johnson's Corollary: Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization. Hoare's Law of Large Problems: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even if you take into account Hofstadter's Law Howe's Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work. Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets. Issawi's Laws of Progress: - The Course of Progress: Most things get steadily worse. - The Path of Progress: A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. Jenkinson's Law: It won't work. Johnson's First Law: When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the most inconvenient possible time. Jone's Law: The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. Jones' First Law: Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their original contribution. Justice is incidental to law and order. -- J. Edgar Hoover Katz' Law: Man and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted. Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee: 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this force is technically termed car suck). 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than Watch this! Kettering's Law: Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence. Kinkler's First Law: Responsibility always exceeds authority. - Kinkler's Second Law: All the easy problems have been solved. LAW NUMBER LII: People working in the private sector should try to save money. There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again. LAW NUMBER XII: It costs a lot to build bad products. LAW NUMBER XIII: There are many highly successful businesses in the United States. There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to intermingle the two. LAW NUMBER XLIX: Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds. LAW NUMBER XLVII: Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other third is covered with auditors from headquarters. LAW NUMBER XVII: Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing, and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics;i.e., it always increases. LAW NUMBER XXII: If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice. LAW NUMBER XXVI: If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. LAW NUMBER XXVII: Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank. LAW NUMBER XXXVI: The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea. Lackland's Laws: 1. Never be first. 2. Never be last. 3. Never volunteer for anything Langsam's Laws: 1) Everything depends. 2) Nothing is always. 3) Everything is sometimes. Law of Communications: The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding. Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage. Law of the Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. Lowery's Law: If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug. Maier's Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. - Corollaries: 1. The bigger the theory, the better. 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory. Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. Malek's Law: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. Meader's Law: Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to everyone you know, only more so. Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped. Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can never hope to acquire it. Meskimen's Law: There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over. Miksch's Law: If a string has one end, then it has another end. Mitchell's Law of Committees: Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it. Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job. Murphy's Law : Never play leapfrog with a Unicorn. Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. Murphy's Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory. Murphy's Law: If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists, the event will take place; preferably during a demonstration. Naeser's Law: You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against it by that time. Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results. O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist. Oliver's Law: Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. Osborn's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't. PUTT'S LAW. Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who under- stand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand. Parker's Law: Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. Parkinson's Fifth Law: If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. Parkinson's Fourth Law: The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done. Parkinson's Law (also known as Thousand Principle): Any corporation with a minimum one thousand (1,000) work force becomes an autonomous entity, in which enough administrative paperwork is generated to make external contacts superfluous. Paul's Law: In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. Peter's Law of Substitution: Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after themselves. Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side. Putt's Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand. Rudin's Law: If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it every time. Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in. Scientific Computations Law: a. Decimal points are misplaced. b. Positive powers of ten are in fact negative, and vice-versa. This law is responsible for interesting results such as 40.8E-3 angstroms for the earth's circumference, or 3.2E2 Gigafarads in and RLC circuit. Scott's first Law: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. - Scott's second Law: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been wrong in the first place. Corollary: After the correction has been found in error, it will be impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation. Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. - Corollary: If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong, anyway. Shanahan's Law: The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people present. Silverman's Law: If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. Simon's Law: Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects. Sodd's Second Law: Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur. Structured Programming supports the law of the excluded muddle. Sturgeon's Law: 90% of everything is crud. The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development: To determine how long it will take to write and debug a program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and convert to the next higher units. The Law of Software Development and Envelopment at MIT: Every program in development at MIT expands until it can read mail. The Third Law of Photography: If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark leaks out. The falsely dramatic drives out the truly dull. - Gennerat's Law The more corrupt the state, the more numerous the laws. -Tacitus, 56-120 A.D. The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it. The three laws of thermodynamics: - The First Law:You can't get anything without working for it. The Second Law:The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. The Third Law:You can only break even at absolute zero. Troutman's 1st Law: If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will malfunction. Troutman's 2nd Law: Not until a program has been in production for at least 6 months will the most serious error be discovered. Troutman's 3rd Law: Interchangeable tapes won't. Troutman's 4th Law: Machines work. People should think. Turnaucka's Law: The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord. Tussman's Law: Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. Universal Tech Document Units Law: Characteristics, specifications, dimensions and any other data included in technical documents must be stated in exotic units, such as tenth of troy once per barn for pressures, or acre times atmosphere per kilogram for speeds. Van Roy's Law: An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once. 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points. Vuilleumier's Fifth Law: Prototype npn blackboxes actually hold pnp transistors, and vice-versa. Vuilleumier's First Law: Any pre-cut equipment is too short. This is specially true of optic fiber cables with expensive connectors at both ends. Vuilleumier's Second Law: If n electronic components are required, n-1 are available. Vuilleumier's Fourth Law: When proteup first, thankfully leaving the fuses intact. Vuilleumier's Seventh Law: When the prototype has been fully assembled according to lab instructions, a minimum of 11 components are left. Vuilleumier's Sixth Law: A quartz oscillator oscillates at a frequency off the rated one by a minimum of 25% if it does oscillate at all. Vuilleumier's Third Law (also known as Selective Gravitational Field): Any tool escaping manipulator's hands willnot necessarily follow Earth's gravitational field, but will land in the most unreachable location in the prototype, smashing on its way the most expensive component of the prototype. This will know only one exception if the tool is particularly heavy, in which case it will land on the manipulator's foot. Watson's Law: The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the number and significance of any persons watching it. Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. Weinberg's First Law: Progress is made on alternate Fridays. - Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross references. Wethern's Law: Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the world's composed of aluminum and vinyl. -Flugg's Law Wiker's Law: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. Williams and Holland's Law: If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods. Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the past tense. Barach's Rule: An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician. First Rule of History: History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other. Goldenstern's Rules: 1. Always hire a rich attorney 2. Never buy from a rich salesman. Leibowitz's Rule: When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands. Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. Ray's Rule of Precision: Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. Rule of Creative Research: 1) Never draw what you can copy. 2) Never copy what you can trace. 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. Rule of Defactualization: Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. Rule of Feline Frustration: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. Rule of the Great: When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. Rules for College Survival: Avoid administrators. Skim the required reading. Skip everything else. Write vague, spineless papers. Cram. Soviet Method: Set working methods in complicated rules and numerous authorizations. Nothing will therefore happen, for which no blame can be put on you. Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers: If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him. Swipple's Rule of Order: He who shouts the loudest has the floor. THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES: The one who has the gold makes the rules. The Fifth Rule: You have taken yourself too seriously. The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it is your move. -Frank Crane The Roman Rule The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it. There's a fundamental rule of automation that says Everything automatically done _for_ you simultaneously does something unpredicted and usually unpleasant _to_ you. To every rule there is a exception, and vice versa. Shawver's Law - You have to be smarter than the equipment to make it work. Carl's Corollary - Shawver's Law only applies if you want the equipment to work right.