Fruitbats: description

Fruitbats are small, brown and mildly furry. They have the cutest faces of any
bat, little pointy ears that stick out and very sharp teeth designed to be
indignant with. There is a great variety of size in fruitbats, ranging from
twelve inches in height, to a little over six foot tall. A fruitbat will
generally flitter about at great speed making little "meeping" noises. It
is pretty much impossible to determine what it will do next.

Fruitbats: habitat

A fruitbat is a small unassuming bat whose natural habitat is dark forest in
some of the warmer places of the earth. For unknown reasons, some fruitbats
have migrated northwards and are now living in warm and comfy centrally
heated houses in the UK. It is thought that this maybe the result of early
explorers adopting them and introducing them to culture.

Fruitbats: food

The rustic bats will live mainly on rotting mango, which is a good source of
essential alcohol. The fruitbat will spot a mango from the treetops and
spiral down at great speed making anticipatory happy meeps. Opening its mouth
wide it then dives into the mango where it will suck the juice until incapable
of moving. Predators are wary of attacking a feeding fruitbat, which will
either attack with its sharp teeth, or launch into a rendition of "The Time
Warp", depending on how long it has spent in the mango. The main alternatives
to mango in the fruitbat diet are Mars bars and Guinness. It is generally
not advisable to provide too much of these though, as a fruitbat will eat
them whether it is hungry or not.

Fruitbats: mating

With very little else to do other than meep and get pissed on mango, fruitbats
tend to mate fairly frequently, although more scientific investigation needs
to be made into what constitutes a breeding pair. This is further complicated
by the fruitbat philosopy that "if it's got a big dick and a supply of Mars
bars then its as near to being a fruitbat as makes no odds". This leads to
problems of aviation. To attract the other fruitbats, most have now evolved
to be too well endowed to fly. A fruitbat who attempts to fly is likely to
make the following conversation prior to plummeting to the ground:
"Meep, meepety meep, meep,  ooh, meep, Aaarrrgggh!".
A small proportion of fruitbats are heterosexual. This abnormal behaviour
is tolerated in the fruitbat community, but is limited to those over 21.

Fruitbats: domestic

A fruitbat makes a wonderful addition to a household. It is extremely
difficult to gain their affections, but when you do, it'll be very difficult
to ever extricate yourself from its arms again. A good starting point when
attracting a fruitbat is to own a large collection of mars bars and to be
able to cook (a change from raw mango is always nice).

Fruitbats: language

Fruitbats have a rich and varied language - depending more on tone and
facial expression than anything else. When the only word in the vocabulary
is "meep", this is probably just as well. Beginners in this language have
great difficulty in hearing the subtlety of some meeps, so be warned.
Here are some examples:
Meep (decisive): I want my fur stroked.
Meep (murmur): Yes, please carry on stroking my fur.
Meeeep(growl): Carry on stroking, or I'll bite.
Meeeeeeeeeep(wail): He's not stroking my fur any more.

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Pete Bevin,