Fault Finding Guide for Drinkers

Note: This is really, really old (I first saw it in 1989), and I claim no credit for it.
SymptomProbable CauseSolution
Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, shirt front wet Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face Take a six-pack and practice in front of mirror until drinking technique is perfect
Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, beer unusually pale Glass empty Find someone who'll buy you another beer
Feet cold and wet Glass being held at incorrect angle Hold glass such that open end points towards the ceiling
Feet warm and wet Loss of self control Move to nearest dog. After a few minutes, complain loudly about its lack of training; demand beer in compensation.
Bar hazy and out of focus You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass Find someone who'll buy you another beer
Bar swaying Unusually high air turbulance, perhaps due to darts match Insert broom handle down back of shirt
Bar moving You are being carried out Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being hijacked.
You notice that the wall opposite you is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it. You have fallen over backwards If nobody is standing on your drinking arm and your beer is full, stay put. Otherwise, have someone help you up and lash yourself to the bar.
Everything has become dim. Your nose and lips are bleeding. You have fallen over fowards. Same as for falling over backwards.
You wake to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You can't seem to find your bedroom walls or ceiling. You have spent the night in the gutter. Check to see if it is opening time. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.
Everything has gone dark and quiet. The bar is closing. PANIC!

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