Here's some stuff you could do without...

    Life in the Fast Lane - By John Burgess

        If you're  like  me,  your  brain  has to be jump started each
        morning with several  jolts of high quality caffeine.  I'm not
        talking about pre-ground  pre-packaged name brand coffee sold
        in supermarkets.  My engine  runs on high octane:  Fresh whole
        beans from Colombia, Brazil, Java, fat as your thumb, bursting
        with the black essence of caffeine.   Make  no  mistake;   the
        perfect  cup  of  coffee is a daily grind,  in  your  electric
        grinder, using top quality beans.

        For  the  discriminating bean fiend who needs high performance
        fuel    in  his  tank,  a  trustworthy  source  is  essential.
        Fortunately, I  have  a  friend  in  the  bean trade who deals
        nearby - Al.   Al, himself a notorious bean fiend, stocks only
        First Colony.  Beans of  every persuasion can be found in this
        multinational colony, from Java to Jamaica,  and French Brandy
        to Swiss Chocolate.  With such selection  each  morning can be
        addressed differently.  A subtly nut-flavored cup of Kenyan to
        ease you into Thursday, or a full twelve volt  boost of French
        Mocha to stand you up on a Monday.

        My monthly trek to Al's bean barrels is a ceremony  steeped in
        tradition.  The door chimes jingle as I walk in.   Al looks up
        from his place behind the counter and smiles.

        "There he is," he says.

        I  accept  a cup from Al's ever present house pot, and discuss
        the merits of his latest experimentation.  Then, I move to his
        barrels and set  to  work.    After years of tasting different
        combinations, I believe I  have  arrived at the ultimate blend
        of beans.  One part Colombian, one part Java, one part Bourbon
        Santos, then three full measures French  Mocha.    Finally, la
        piece de resistance:  Four measures of  First Colony's coconut
        flavored beans.

        Yeah!  Fresh ground and brewed with a  filter-drip system, you
        have a bracing potion;  full-bodied, invigorating, subtle as a
        runaway moose.

        "So they haven't got you yet, have they?" Al says.

        Al is referring  to  the Mellow crowd.  While coffee has risen
        to prominence as a serious pleasure, worthy of refinement, the
        Mellow-heads,  who  are  coffee's  naysayers,    have   become
        increasingly vocal.

        "I  hear  they're agitating for separate  Mellow  Sections  in
        restaurants and public places," I say.

        "Mellow  Sections?"  Al  is  aghast.    Non-caffeine    areas.
        Hyperactivity not allowed.  "My God.  Who will stop them?"

        I shake my head sadly.  The Mellow-heads  have  been getting a
        lot of air time lately.  These are the  commercials  where you
        see  people  with  perpetually  windswept hair and golden tans
        walking around beaches looking serene.  The key to maintaining
        this comatose state is to drink a freeze-dried concoction from
        which 97% of the raison d'etre has been removed.

        "When will come the  day  each  package  of  coffee contains a
        warning from the Surgeon-General?" Al continued.

        "Tell me Al," I said,  digging  out a scoop of Java, "have you
        ever wanted to go mellow?"

        My question seemed to catch him  by  surprise.    He continued
        weighing  beans  and  tallying  on the cash  register,  saying
        nothing.  Then he looked up.

        "Yes  John,  there  was  once  a time." He  paused  a  moment,
        polishing his glasses.  "It happened years ago when  I  worked
        at a shoe company.  My boss suggested I was  acting  edgy  and
        irritable  because  I  drank  too much coffee.  I responded by
        breaking a  chair  over  his head.  They took me to a Caffeine
        Dry-Out Center.  Somewhere in the wilds north of Barrie." This
        was unexpected.  I  listened  in fascination as Al told of six
        weeks of caffeine cold turkey,  forced  tanning,  exercise and
        meditation classes.

        "You  wouldn't have recognized me when  I  was  released,"  Al
        continued,  "My only concerns were good vibes  and  the  right
        kind of margarine.  I returned to my  job  in  the city.  On a
        ten-speed,  of  course.    I  immediately  began organizing an
        exercise break  to  replace  morning coffee breaks, and took a
        collection for gym  equipment.   I encouraged others to get in
        touch with their auras.  When called upon to give a comment on
        a sales project, I would  answer,  "For  sure,  I think I know
        where  you're  coming  from." My friends  couldn't  stand  it.
        Finally, one day my secretary offered to  refill my Sanka cup.
        She put in the Sanka all right, the poured black coffee on top
        of it.  I drank it without noticing.   Suddenly,  a  hot flash
        electrified   my  brain.    The  scales  fell  from  my  eyes,
        self-realization possessed  me.   I immediately strode into my
        boss's office and  broke  another chair over his head.  Then I
        left for good.   I set up my little retail outlet here shortly

        "Wow!  That's some story  Al," I marveled.  "What was it, your
        great realization?"

        He spoke with conviction.  "Mellow is excruciatingly dull."

        "I'll drink to that," I said.    We clicked our Styrofoam cups
        together, and swigged.

        "Yep," said Al, "it feels good to be alive."

    And then there was this coffeeholilic who had to stop work every
    half hour just so have a cup or three. He worked as a carpenter
    when he steped on a rusty nail and got lock jaw. This of course
    ment NO COFFEE .

       He was laying in this hospital bed, dieing for a cup, when he
    finally rang for the doctor. What's your problem? asked the doctor.
    Speaking through locked jaw he says...... I MUST HAVE SOME COFFEE!!!!

         Jokingly the doctor says.. I could give it to you by enema!
    The man replys,,,,, thats okay!!!!  So the doc prepared the coffee
    then started do give it to him. The guy screams out as if in pain,
    aaaaauuuuugggghhhh!!!  Quickly the doctor says.... what's the matter?
    Is it too hot????  and the guy says,,, No, too sweet!!!!!

    This is one from a Gary Larson "Far Side" cartoon:

    (Shows two cowboys sitting at a table, both with wide eyes and shaking,
    but with looks of total determination and grit.
    Gathered around them is a crowd of other cowboys. One of the cowboys
    sitting at the table is pouring another cup of coffee.)

    The caption under the cartoon reads:

    "Hour after hour, cup after cup, the two men matched their caffeine
    limits in a traditional contest of the Old West."

This is going around the net...many forwardings removed.


The author's name is Cary O'Brien of Addamax Corp., Rockville, MD.
I hope you enjoy it as much as we all did.

	John Rossmann (uunet!synsys!john)

     NCM(1)	     (Essential	Fluids)		NCM(1)

       ncm -	new coffee maker

       ncm [	-RadCxmlnogrtucpFbqisf ] [caf|decaf|columbian]

       For each available heating unit, ncm determines if coffee
         exists, is hot, and is not tar(4).  If any of	these are
	   true,    the necessary actions are taken to change the
	     situation as required, or as specified by the  environment
	       variable BURNERS.  ncp then gathers the necessary material
	         and proceeds.	 The -M	option makes coffee in the morning.
		   The drinkinfo(4) database is used to determine the blend and
		     the amount of  caffeine, based on the environment variables
		       DRINK, TZ, and the current time.  If this information
      be obtained, full strength Maxwell House is assumed.

      The ncm command has many, many more than the following
        options, not all of which are	currently supported.  Some may
	  never	be supported.  We are really busy here,	and we will
	    try to get around to it as soon as possible, but Doc is
	      breathing down my neck to get something else done, so you
	        will just have to be patient!:

      -R   Recursively make coffee until all resources are

      -a   Generate aroma only.

      -l   The same as -n except slower.

      -d   Brew decaf.  Will not operate before 10:30 am.

      -n   The same as -l

      -j   Use Jamaica Blue Mountain primo special.  This can only
             be executed by coffeadmin.

      -r   Reverse the order of brewing to get newest first or
             oldest first as appropriate.

      -v   Execute the vgrind(1) program before proceeding for a
             fresher brew.

            ncp -ldm	NOW!

      Make lots of coffee now!


       tee(1), coke(1), sync(1).

       The ncm command may be used as a filter.

      For more information see the "Making Good Coffee" section of
        Chapter 10 of	the Kitchen Administrator's Guide.

       Ick. I hope not.

- --
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.

Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes.

------- End of Forwarded Message