Here is a large-ish collection of allegedly funny material. You may
find some of it offensive (sexual and language content), and I've even
marked the ones that probably aren't suitable for over-18s with ![[18+]](18.gif)
so they can find them more easily.
A lot of these files are from the late 80s and early 90s. If you're
the author of anything here and don't see a credit,
let me know. Most of this has a
British flavour, and some of it is distinctly Oxford University related.
Pete Bevin,
pete@petebevin.com.
You can quickly go to these section headings:
- Heaven is Hotter than Hell
"We have, then, temperature of Heaven, 525°C. Temperature of Hell,
less than 445°C. Therefore, Heaven is hotter than Hell."
- Inklish, she is speeched here!
"In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
- ASCII Cows
(__) (__) (__) (__)
(oo) (oo) (oo) (oo)
/-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/
/ | || / | || / | || / | ||
* ||----|| * ||W---|| * ||w---|| * ||V---||
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
Cow Cow laden Same cow Betty Ford-type
with milk after milking cow with milk
- Cybersex meets Reality
![[cool!]](cool.gif)
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a
pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing
a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it
smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?
- She said/He said
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it
might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say
anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going
so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we
could talk more privately.
- Fuck!
"Scattered showers my fucking arse".............Noah
- Administratium
"April 1, 1988: The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered
by physicists at Turgid University. The element, tentatively named
Administratium (Ad), has no protons or electrons, which means that its atomic
number is 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistants to the neutron,
75 vice-neutrons, and 111 assistants to the vice-neutrons."
- She was only...
She was only a fishmongers daughter
but she'd jump on the slab and say "fillet"
- Soap Opera
Classic correspondence between a hotel and a guest.
- Rules for Bank Robbers
"Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to
hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he
showed them his 'weapon'."
- The Gospel according to Saint Bureaucrat
And darkness was upon the face of the workers,
And they spoke to their Group Heads saying:
THE PLAN IS A CROCK OF SHIT AND IT STINKS
- Drinker's Fault Finding Chart
"Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually
pale and clear.
Fault: Glass empty.
Remedial Action: Find someone who will buy you another pint."
- Quantum Product Warnings
"IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The entire physical universe, including
this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small
space. Should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of
this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed."
- The Wedding at Cana
"And they cried unto Him,
'Maestro - this man is sick of the palsey.' And the Lord said,
'If I had to spend my whole life on a stretcher, I'd be pretty sick of
the palsey too.'"
- IBM Mouse Balls
"It is recommended that each servicer have a pair of balls for
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer
missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing
these necessary functional items."
- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Net
"One day, not long after tomorrow, Arnold Lint was busy scrolling
through the seemingly infinite reaches of the Net. All of a sudden the
news stopped with an abrupt thud, followed by the angry message YOUR
NODE HAS BEEN REDUCED TO A LITTLE BLACK, GREASY SPLOTCH IN MY MEMORY
SPACE!!"
- Real Life Insurance Claims
"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
- Home Surgery Made Simple
"Finally, before you start it's wise to take the telephone off the hook
and put any animals in another room. You dont want people ringing up when
your half way through a liver transplant to ask you round for coffee; nor do
you want your dog to hang about begging for scraps."
- Build a Nuke!
"Really though, nukes are a cinch. Eight kilos of U-235, 6 kilos of plastique
(C-4), a piece of drainpipe and a detonator, though of course you do need a
PP3 battery to detonate it which will cost about two quid."
- Build your own Nitrogen Laser
"Take the washing up liquid bottle and cut off each end so that it forms
a simple tube. Tape the bathroom mirror to one end. This makes the laser cavity."
- How to Leave the Planet
"You have been carefully selected as a totally random member of the Human
Race. This chapter is for you. Before you read it:
1) Find a stout chair.
2) Sit on it."
- How to make an atom bomb!
"First, obtain about 50 pounds (110Kg) of weapons grade Plutonium at your
local supplier (see note 1). A Nuclear Power Plant is not recommended, as
large quantities of missing Plutonium tends to make the Plant Engineers
unhappy."
- Computer Languages
LISP: An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are not available.
- PPL, the Paranoid Programming Language
Bloody_Big_Computer login: root
password:
Shall we play a game?
(Cor you remembered to use a backslash on the quote. You win a major prize.)
- California Coding Conventions
/* Just wanted to check out that you gnarly dudes are using the
latest and greatest software technology fer yer rad code to make
it easy for the dudes who have to read it. */
- Hacker Test
If your score is between: You are
0x000 and 0x010 -> Computer Illiterate
0x011 and 0x040 -> a User
0x041 and 0x080 -> an Operator
0x081 and 0x0C0 -> a Nerd
0x0C1 and 0x100 -> a Hacker
0x101 and 0x180 -> a Guru
0x181 and 0x200 -> a Wizard
Note: If you don't understand the scoring, stop here.
- Z - A New Programming Language
"The real success in designing Z was the invention of the COMEFROM
command. Analagous to the GOTO we know and love, the COMEFROM allows new heights
of tangled code."
- Ray-tracing Jell-o Brand Gelatin
"Unfortunately, nobody has ray traced any food. So far, the most
realistic foods were Blinn's classic orange and strawberry images, but
these were created with a scan-line algorithm [2]. The Dessert
Realism Project at Pixar is addressing this problem."
- Proof Techniques
"Proof by reference to inaccessible literature:
The author cites a simple corollary of a theorem to be found in a privately
circulated memoir of the Slovenian Philological Society, 1883."
- House Votes for Emacs
"After weeks of debate and a crescendo of lobbying effort, the House handed
President Ronald Reagan a major victory by voting for Emacs late today."
- Glossary of Computer Terms
"Endless Loop - See 'infinite loop'
Infinite loop - see 'endless loop'"
- Jesus versus Satan
Programming competition between Jesus and Satan. Rather silly.
- University Computer Staff
System Manager:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
- Real Programmers Don't Write
Pascal
"If you can't do it in FORTRAN, do it in Assembly
language. If you can't do it in Assembly, it isn't worth
doing."
- Real Programmers 2
"Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to
write, it should be hard to read."
- How to Meet a Guy on Relay
"Tell him you are a 38-26-34, he'll love you!
Doesn't matter if they are accurate or not, because if he ever meets you
in person, he won't care anymore - it will be one of the few times he has
ever actually TALKED to someone of the female gender."
- The Umpteen Million Types of FRP Players
The Pig-eyed Glutton: "Now how do we go about carting off this 800
copper pieces? We're already loaded down with the four suits of leather
armor and electrum-inlaid toilet seats we found earlier..."
- A New Programming Language: SARTRE
"Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an
extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose;
they just are."
- SBRAIN: A new computer algebra system
"PIPING: Commands can be piped in through the medium of Electronic Aural
Remote Sensors (EARS) and outputed direct to the Binary Integration
Node (BIN)."
- Op Code List
EPI Execute Programmer Immediate
RST Rewind and Stretch Tape
TOH Take Operator Hostage
- Oxford Mathematics Lecture Quotes
"We could do it if we could pull the sum sign through and that's
what God gave us the monotone convergence theorem for"
- Physics Terms Made Easy
"Spin operator: Owner of a Ferris wheel"
- The Nerd Test
85) Do you know Schrodinger's Equation?
86) Have you ever solved it?
87) Have you ever used the word "asymptotic"?
- Science Dictionary
"QUARK 1. n. The sound made by a well-bred duck."
- Robin Hood and Friar Tuck
Classic hacker story.
- Just another Glitch in the Call
We don't need no indirection
We don't need no flow control
NO data typing or declarations
Did you leave the lists alone?
- Toward the Development of Artificial Stupidity
We have decided to adopt an
extension of the Turing test to objectively verify stupidity: we
will know that we have Artificial Stupidity when a human
interacting with a machine cannot tell the difference between it
and a)his or her boss, or b)the stupidest member of his or her
spouse's immediate family.
- Manual page for GNU Echo
-2 generate rhyming couplets from keywords
-3 generate Haiku verse from keywords
-5 generate limerick from keywords
- Unix Wars
"Your $HOME could be in real danger, Luke! If the Admin troops are
tracing this droid, they'll do more than just charge for CPU time!"
- The Unix User Hierarchy
Wizard: Is on a first-name basis with Ken, Dennis and Bill.
- VMS Version 4.7
"Defaults. We put a lot of thought into our defaults. We like
them. If we didn't, we would have made something else be the default.
So keep your cotton-picking hands off our defaults."
- IBM Virus
"If you see any box with a label such as 'International Business
Machines', do not be fooled - 90% of all people lured into using the machine
lose all innovative powers within a year."
- Micro and Mini: A Love Story
"Suddenly she was up and stripping her parity bits to reveal the
full functionality of her operating system software. 'Let's get BASIC,
you RAM' she said."
- Lunch, the HP Way
00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger
001 From Single Burger.
002 From Double Burger.
003 Return credit for bun.
- Mathematician, Physicist and Engineer Jokes
"Statisticians probably do it.
Algebraists do it in groups."
(Warning: Pocket Protector Zone!
- Dr Collins Learns to Write
Oxford University related play -- plenty of in-jokes for the
initiated. Probably totally incomprehensible to anyone else.
- User Documentation: Earth
"Yea, in the beginning (at I.P.L. time) I SYSGENed the computer & this region
within which thou resideth.
And the region was without data and was void; and all bits were turned off.
And my operator scanned the region."
- Polly Nomial
"Once upon a time (1/T) pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling
through a field of Vectors when she came to the edge of a singu-
larly large matrix."
- A Shaggy TeX story
Awful pun.
- Gandhi
Silly song about Gandhi
- Cambridge University Quotes
From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture:
"This isn't true in practice - what we've missed out is Stradivarius's
constant."
And then the aside:
"For those of you who don't know, that's been called by others the fiddle
factor..."
- A Boron Chemical Mystery
"Florence Flask was in the middle of dressing for the opera when she
turned to her husband and screamed, 'Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has
stolen my joules!'"
- Datawocky
"'Twas global and the megabytes
Did gyre and gymbal on the disk"
- Jumperwashy
"Twas busted and the slurpy works
Did grind and grumble in the box."
- Bugs
I think that I shall never see
A subroutine that works for me
- Digital Responds to Hyper-Ethernet
"In response to recent Xerox and
Wang improvements to Ethernet that provide people and facility
transportation across inter-node links, DEC's latest DECnet provides
these capabilities as well as providing for the creation of virtual
facilities and even countries."
- DEC Wars
"'I'm going to regret this!' cried 3CPU, as he followed RS232 into the
buffer. RS232 closed the pipes, made the sys call, and their process
detached itself from the burning shell of the ship."
- Adventure Locations
"You are standing on a ledge half way up the cliffs of Yazz. The Wicked
Plastic men are coming up after you.
Exits: The only way is up."
- Cold Fusion meets Nethack
"You bought a Cold Fusion Cell for 1 gold pieces.--More--"
- Cold Fusion
Not really funny, but kind of interesting anyway: an early
report on the Pons and Fleischmann experiments.
- Compaq Advertisement
" WHAT PERCENTAGE OF IBM SOFTWARE WILL RUN ON A COMPAQ? By sheer
coincidence, this is the same percentage of waiters in Indian restaurants
who hail from the small Bangladeshi town of Sylhet. Nearly 100%. For
further details and first-class lamb dhansak, ring 01-836 9787."
- Biblical Dictionary Of Computing Terms
"Project Proposal:
'Your old men shall dream dreams, your young men shall see visions.'
(Joel 2:28)"
- AI Exam
"All questions carry equal marks. 25 marks will be awarded for each
question attempted. PhDs will be awarded for any question correctly
completed."
- A Contribution to the Mathematical Theory of
Big Game Hunting
"2.4 A relativistic method.
All over the desert we distribute lion bait containing large amounts of the
companion star of Sirius. After enough of the bait has been eaten we send a
beam of light through the desert. This will curl around the lion so it gets
all confused and can be approached without danger."
- Alice's PDP-10
"There was all kinds of mean nasty ugly people there on the bench ...
Chaosnet designers ... Lisp hackers ... TECO hackers. TECO hackers
right there on the bench with me! And the meanest one of them, the
hairiest TECO hacker of them all was coming over to me. And he was mean
and nasty and horrible and undocumented and all kinds of stuff."
- Alice's Lisp Machine
"Now it all started two full dumps ago, on Thanksgiving, when
my friend and I went up to visit the hackers at AI lab on the ninth
floor. But the hackers don't always live on the ninth floor, they just
go there to use these complex order code stack machines they call Lisp
Machines."
- The Running of Three-Oh-Three
That very night by the lonely light
Of the empty Coke machine,
The problems solved, we all resolved
To embark on the next day clean.
- The System Crash
The disk was clogged with unprinted logs
Of ten thousand blocks or more,
We hit 'reboot' and saw paper shoot
Six feet across the floor.
- Shootout at the Nought-K Corral
"Baudot MOVed to his next target block. He opened the AND gate and
entered. In a cycle, EVIL.KIL was upon him. Baudot unleashed the power
of both analyzers, newly sensitized."
- Bored by Pascal?
C A SMALL REWARD IS OFFERED TO ANYBODY ABLE TO SAY WHAT
C THIS PROGRAM DOES (WITHOUT ACTUALLY RUNNING IT)
- The Stag Night Song
My eyes have seen the glory
of the coming of the whore,
Who'd fucked her way around the globe,
but had never cum before,
- Eskimo Nell
But Eskimo Nell, she stood it well
And looked him in the eyes;
With utter scorn she sneered at the horn
That rose from his hairy thighs.
- Annual Ladies vs. Gents Cricket Match
An interesting game took place today when the Hon John Everard brought
over a team of Old Barstodians to meet a team of Society Ladies
captained by Lady Wearwell.
- Cemetery Sue
They say a hard man is always good to find,
If he's three days dead then Sue don't mind
Ask her what she wants and she'll say she'll have a
Dose of rigor mortis from a fresh cadaver.
- John Thomas Allcock
"He is the man with the biggest plonker in the world
(Dingle-dangle strap it to your ankle)
He keeps it in his trousers tightly curled
(Dingle-dangle strap it to your ankle)"
- The Tale of Young Freddie Bloor
Now this is the tale of young Freddie Bloor
whose sexual equipment got jammed in the door.
By the time they freed him, he didn't feel well
for his private parts were mangled to hell.
- Smutty Songs and Limericks
A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
- Chernobyl Sam
That was before Chernobyl went bang,
And leaked that radiation,
Life it changed for Chernobyl Sam,
Due to nuclear mutation.
- Ode to the word Fuck
"In everyday life, this word does exist
But it appears in no book, no record or list
It expresses love, hate, disgust or bad luck
It's a four letter word, yes you've guessed it - 'F**k'."
- The Teddy Bears' Rave Up
There's Angel bears who come on their bikes
All dressed in their leather gear,
And gallons of Scrumpy all green and lumpy
And 'orrible Watneys' beer.
- 100 Reasons why it's Great to be a Guy
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- Movie nudity is virtually always female.
- You know stuff about tanks.
- If men rewrote the rules
Rule 3: If we say something that can be interpreted in
two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the
other way.
- Courses for men and women
For women: GE101: Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges
For men: MEN104: We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas
- sex(1)
Unix manual page for sex.
- My Dog is called Sex
"Usually, everyone who has a dog either calls him Rover or Boy or
something. I call mine "Sex". Well, Sex is a very embarrassing name."
- Romance Quiz
His favourite name for you is ...
a) Sweetness, Prettyness, Honeypie, Petal.
b) Babe, Baby.
c) Bunny, Squirrel Nutkin.
d) Cunt.
- Women: Chemical Analysis
Element: Women
Symbol: +O
- Men and Women are not alike!
"A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and
favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is
vaguely aware of some short people living in the house."
- Truths about Women
"In this world, there are two sets of women: women that you would love to be
with, and women that would love to be with you. THERE IS NO UNION OF THESE
TWO SETS."
- A Girl's Guide to Condoms
"WARNING: Boys cannot read this. If you are a boy and are reading this, stop
immediately. The following article is chock-full of highly intimate girl
secrets that will be 10 times more embarrassing than any TV commercial for
feminine-hygiene products you've ever seen. So quit it. I mean it. You'll
be sorry."
- Marriage
"Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant
with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other
fellow has, you wish you had ordered that."
- Easy-2-Pleeze Computer Dating Application
Form
"1) Would you prefer your partner to be ...
a) The opposite sex
b) The same sex
c) both
d) any sort of mammal
e) not fussy really"
- The Happy Loving Couple test
"41) Do you and your partner have insipid romantic nicknames for each other?
42) Have you ever used such nicknames in public?
43) Have you ever used such nicknames in the Valentine's column of a newspaper?"
- AIDS Letter
"Dear Sir,
I have just received the AIDS leaflet through my door and would like to apply
straight away for AIDS."
- Pickup Lines
"You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book...
So what's one more??"
- Masturbation: The Perversion
"Please excuse this unsolicited note, but among the two hundred scholars
whose intellectual products I have studied, I believe that you alone
might give my next statement any serious attention (as it is based upon
your own field of expertise), becuase it appears to violate the taboo
against mixing Religion with Science and might imply belief in the
tenents of Orgone Theory."
- Playgirl Rejection Letter
"On a scale of 0 - 10 your body was rated -6 by our panel of women, ranging
from 60 - 80 years old. We tried to assemble a panel in the age bracket of
20 - 30 years old, but we could not stop them laughing long enough to reach
a decision."
- Laws of Amorous Correspondence
"The longer one takes trying to find the right tone, and the more one
thinks one has, the more one is deluding oneself and wasting time."
- College Admission Essay
"I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru."
- Test Paper on Geography
"1) 'East is East and West is West.' Show, by shading, if this is a fact
or only a brilliant conjecture.
Criticise your answer in the light of the Midnight Sun."
- Exeter University Physics Part 1 Exam
"State the principle of least work and show how this can be used to
good effect before, during and after lectures on a Monday morning."
- Class of 97
"Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will
not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded.
But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you
imagine."
- A short quiz
"Next to number 4, write down the number of your first pet."
- Woman Eats Contraceptive Jelly
PHILADELPHIA, Pa. - A woman is suing the pharmacy that sold her a popular contraceptive jelly -
because she ate the stuff on toast and got pregnant anyway.
- George Bush on Atheism
"Yes, I support the separation of church and state. I'm just not
very high on atheists."
- The Evolution of Man
Diagram showing how the different species of Man came about.
- Guide to Britain
Don't forget that buses are called "prams" in England, and trains are
called "bumbershoots"--it's a little confusing at first. Motorcycles are
called "lorries" and the hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the
"off-license".
- Guide to English Pronunciation
Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
- German for Beginners
"Bonnet: Pullnob und knucklchopper"
- Let's Parlez Franglais!
"LE BOUNCER: Monsieur Gendarme, arrestez cette homme ici, le petit merde stirrer."
- Motor Bus
"Domine , defende nos
Contra hos Motores Bos!"
- Sennex Macdonald
Sennex Macdonald habeat fundum,
E I E I O !
Et in hic fundum habeat bovum,
E I E I O !
- Sweden
In conclusion: 1) never trust anyone named Carl or anyone
with a roman number in their name.
- Guide to Europe
"Luxembourg: An unimaginative lot. They couldn't even think of a different
name for their capital."
- Guide to Newspeak
"irritainment - annoying but you can't stop watching, e.g., the O.J. trial"
- Chinese Take-out menu
"Hol Mein Kok.............Scrag end encased in ladyfingers"
- Fun with Alliteration
"Percival's Pontificating Parametric Priests
Harry the Horse and his Horrendous Harbingers of Halitosis"
- The Student Meaning of Liff
"BIGGIN BY THE SEA: The first time you have sex on a beach
SANDBACH: The itchy feeling in ones genitalia after NEW BIGGIN BY THE SEA"
- Salman Rushdie
Salman Rushdie,
Born on Sunday,
Wrote on Monday,
Condemned by Khomeini,
- Pachydermatic Personnel Prediction
"Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing
about who owns the droppings."
- Joke Cafe menu
"Print this out and stick it in the menu holder of a restaraunt where you have
been overcharged or insulted for a really horrible meal."
- Coffee Humour
"Hour after hour, cup after cup, the two men matched their caffeine
limits in a traditional contest of the Old West."
- New Hobbies
"1. Start an aggressive political campaign to make the capital
letter "F" into a vowel.
2. Walk up to strangers and say the word "forest" to them.
3. Pretend that you're the world's busiest airport."
- Internet Worm
Not really a funny - just a report on the Internet Worm of 1988 (remember that?)
- Spellthinger
"It is at this point that the author has to try and describe a creature
that, up until now, has only been an accent, with a few words hung on it. If he
were Terry Pratchett, he would say something like "It is at this point that
normal language fails, and goes off pleading a dinner engagement..." Sadly, he
is not Pratchett, nor even Adams, merely the lowly Jones, and has to cope with
a description like "squat, furry, stockily built, line-backer" and other such
phrases."
- The Famous Five have Another Jolly
Adventure
"'Oh I do wish we could do something else' sighed Anne. 'I am becoming a
bit bored sitting here for SO long!'
'Ok, then my dear' said kindly Uncle Quentin, 'put your clothes back on
and we can have another session later on. You are a good model!'"
- Saint Peter
"Peter walked down the hill towards the Baker's shop.
Why did he always get the shitty jobs?"
- Origami
Very neat Origami trick.
- Pineapples
Pineapples also feature in the great works of literature, in films and songs.
Perhaps the most notable of these is Marx's : "All pineapples are created
equal." Other quotes include "Let there be pineapples" and "A pineapple
! A pineapple ! My kingdom for a pineapple !"
- Fear
Captain Chaos on Fear
- teaching
"A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $100. Production costs used 4/5
of the sales price. What was his profit?"
- Fresher's Talk
"...weren't you up for interviews at the same time as me oh maybe that was
someone else then I didn't know what was going on and my first interview
was with Dr Bastard that was awful I didn't know anything he asked me no
nothing at all my mind just went blank"
- telly
"...I was really really sad when the bbc stopped showing that and captain pugwash much
better than anything these days with master bates and seaman staines wow I
mean they really did have characters called that honest they did really but
absolutely no-one noticed at the time not even mary whitehouse..."
- Guide to Festivity Levels
"The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog."
- Grand Unification and the Theory of Time
Today more and more households are operating on Blink Time.
This is when a power outage causes all the digital clocks in all
of your appliances to blink "00:00," sometimes for months, because
you can't figure out how to make them stop because the owners'
manuals are totally unintelligible because all the actual instructions
have been replaced by pages upon pages of lawyer-excreted statements
beginning with the word "WARNING."
- Retirement Policy
All employees who have been RAPEd or SCREWed may file an appeal
with upper management. This will be called SHAFT (Study of Higher
Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy,
employees may be RAPEd once, SCREWed twice, but be SHAFTed as many
times as the company deems appropriate.
- Special High Intensity Training Program
"Through our Special High Intensity
Training (SHIT) program, we have given our employees more SHIT than other
companies in this area."
- Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
"[Now the cynics amongst you may be asking "How come she didn't recognise her
own step-mother?" Well all I can say is a) She was very well disguised and b)
F**k off - it's only a fairy tale]"
- Travel Speak
Friendly locals - Smiling muggers.
Vibrant - The booze is cheap.
Deserted beaches - Sharks!
- Emergency Water (Substance) Status Act
T: "But water's a natural substance. Anyone can obtain it, simply by
collecting it in their gardens."
S: "Marijuana and cocaine are natural subtances anyone can grow in their
gardens. Surely you aren't suggesting that we legalise them?"
- The Newer, Trendier Lord's Prayer
"Our Father, who may or may not be in heaven, but it's the concept that counts..."
- A Priestly Tale
"The Father,Son and the holy ghost are not 'Big Daddy, junior and the spook'"
- Wombles: News Flash
"The safety of the world is in jeopardy. Latest events in the world of Wombling
have meant that this could be the end of civilisation as we know it."
- Diary of a Superhero
"Wonderwoman is seeing the invisble man behind my back.
I would kick him in the nuts if I knew where to kick.
Although Robin makes good pratice."
- The World According to Student Bloopers
"Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock."
- Town tries to save the Giant Worm that saved it
A nocturnal animal, the worms are difficult to dig up and residents
discourage the practice because the worms can break apart and bleed
to death when yanked from the rich clay on which they thrive.
- Guide to Fruitbats
"With very little else to do other than meep and get pissed on mango, fruitbats
tend to mate fairly frequently"
- Application for Employment (Minorities Division)
"Please return the completed form together with a recent photograph.
West Indians and Asians may omit the photograph on account that you all look
the bleeding same."
- Hemophilia
"The only reason I really minded having hemophilia is because
I had to be very careful opening windows and around Ellen."
- Staying Healthy
"Here is a list compiled by asking many mothers, aunties and relatives
what is considered unhealthy practice for the young student of today."
- The Never Ending Story
"After whiling the rest of the morning away by sending endless messages
to people she hardly knew over the computer, reading DECWARS again for the
tenth time, and pretending to look busy whenever anybody, boss or pathetic
underling, came near, our heroine (whose name temporarily escapes me - probably
because I haven't thought of one yet) decided it was time for lunch."
Pete Bevin,
pete@petebevin.com
